New blog?

Hello :)

I feel the need to recreate my blog. I am switching to wordpress.com.

I've had blogger since 2013 and I have grown so much since then and I am on a whole new journey.

I want to expand my writing and my journey in a way that aren't really easily accessible on this site.

I love all of you who have joined me along this journey and hope you continue to follow me :)


fightingtowardsfreedom.wordpress.com

update 10/25/16

Hello everyone, you know the teacher who I had the "PTSD" response to? Well I had school today and so I obviously went to her class and it went well actually. The day before, Monday I was really nervous just because of what happened and all that.

She gave us back our tests that we took it was about checks and balances! Ewe! It's a personal finance class and I hate it! Anyways she gave us back our tests that I had to redo and I asked multiple questions and I wasn't that anxious about it which is new for me especially with her but I did it!

Guess what? Nothing terrible happened it's a miracle! Just kidding. If you have social anxiety or just anxiety in general you know what that feels like. I got the test done and I understand it now which is good because we have the last test of this chapter I think (yay!)

At the end of class she came to my desk to talk to me and she said "did your mom convince you that I don't hate you?" (the situation was discussed at conferences on Thursday.) I chuckled and said yes. Then she leaned towards me and whispered "ya know if a teacher really hates you, then they will most likely ignore you instead of trying to help you."

In my past it wasn't, he was actually very verbally abusive. That's not the point though, the point is that it was partially all in my head but she also acknowledged where she was wrong. It makes me feel good that I spoke up.

For any of you out there, when you know something is wrong or isn't going how you liked, speak up! It makes a world of a difference. Your voice is allowed to be heard and actually listened to.

Day in the life of me

I don't understand why life is so hard, it's not fair. Every day of my life I've tried to be a good person but I guess it doesn't matter how much you try to be a functional member of society unlike most people say it does. I'm a good person but I'm barely functioning mentally and close to physically. I feel like crap 80% of the time. I'm weak, shaky and just plain out exhausted. It's really really hard living the way I do day after day. Having an eating disorder is hell, it really is, there isn't more of an innocent way to explain it.

I wish everything was different. Living in constant hunger isn't a way to live, it's exhausting. Why is it so hard to just eat? I don't understand. Nothing is good enough no matter how much weigh you lose or how much you exercise, doesn't matter. There is still something in the back of your brain that screams FAILURE.

Eating disorders are very complex and complicated, even to me who has lived with one for 5 years. People can walk away from me, they can walk away when they are sick of hearing beat myself down. I don't have the pleasure of doing that. I can't walk out of my own brain, I can't crawl out of my own skin even if it feels like I do.

It would be amazing if I could step out of my own head, even if it's just for a little bit.

Along with the numbness of emotions, good and bad, physical and emotional pain, there is this part that I can't shake.

Comfort.

Comfort of the familiar, comfort from vulnerability. It's so hard to live this way but I would rather sta sick for the rest of my life then have someone I love go through this.

How long do you have hope until it's been so long you don't even know normal exists for you?

I'm not giving up hope and I have faith that everything will be okay again... please let it be okay again.

Please stay as innocent as long as you can baby girl 

written October 4th 2016

My therapist asked me yesterday how she didn't know how motivated I was to get better. Honestly she's right, I don't have the biggest amount of motivation, that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm not willing to go through the hard stuff in therapy. I feel like whenever I admit to being motivated to kick this eating disorder, than what's the point of even going to therapy?

I feel somewhat self-conscious and bad when I admit it because it's almost like your damned if you do, your damned if you don't type thing. I'm damned if I keep this eating disorder because I'm a failure by ED if given to the curse word that is recovery.

I want to be able to be strong enough to say that I at least want to try. The healthy part of my brain (the smallest portion I have) feels weak for not being ready for a better life, physically and emotionally. Am I that crazy that I let ED into say "No you're not ready, do you really want to lose me?"

My therapist brought up the need to have something whether it be now or in the future to hold onto to replace ED behavior. Maybe it's so hard to find that motivation because I don't have a replacement coping skill, I don't have a end goal that I'm searching for that is as rewarding as ED.

Nothing in the world will fill my emotion or find as more of a goal than ED. Nothing will replace the "high" I get from my eating disorder, and that's the truth.

PTSD response

Most of you know about my past, more like 7th, 8th grade era. I had a teacher who was verbally abusive and it really affected me. Most people think once your away from whatever caused you stress it slowly goes away. It becomes less apparent in your daily life yes, but those emotional and sometimes physical wounds stay with you. I've been realizing that what has happened has happened, and there's nothing I can do to unsee or undo what has already been done.

Can I move past it? I believe so. I believe it takes time.

I'm taking a personal finance class and the teacher isn't really nice at all. Now, I've had her once before and I didn't mind her, I could tolerate her but I never really liked her as a teacher or a person. I had a question on this worksheet and I was scared to ask questions because she's very direct and her approach comes off as scary. So because of that I refrained from asking her for help which probably wasn't the best idea but I refuse to ask a question and be downgraded for it. It was scary to me.

Now, I don't expect every response to be all warm and fuzzy but a response where the student feels stupid for asking a question isn't okay with me. I've been through that hell for 2 years in a row and that was more than enough as far as I am concerned. Mr O, he's the teacher who was verbally abusive and he left a deep scar that has then caused somewhat of a PTSD response to situations similar.

I ended up getting into my car on the way home I just started bawling. I was sad and frustrated but I almost surprised myself on how intense and sudden the tears came on. Ever since I left middle school I left with this fear and sensitivity towards teachers, mainly male. The approach they give means a lot to me because of the verbal abuse that occurred in the past.

I have the right to be, but part of me believes that I shouldn't have reacted the way I did because maybe I was overreacting? I know I shouldn't downplay my feelings but I can't help it. It really scared me and it's not a good feeling.

These past few days I have been noticing that I am more depressed and ED takes that to his advantage. I'm not really sure what to do about it but everything will be okay, it has to.

Will I ever be normal?

Friday was an interesting day and eye opening to the question "Will I ever be normal?" Now I realize that normal does exist, because nobody is normal. We are all just trying to get through this life the best we know how.

I want to be able through my school day without feeling like I'm literally going to die by the end of the day. Obviously, I know the answer, to properly fuel my body. This is the perfect segway to what occurred Thursday afternoon. I came home early from school well not really early but close enough because I was so unbelievably tired and I knew I needed to go home after my 7th hour. I went home and got some food and I had some rice and beans cause my body obviously needed food. So like a normal person I ate food.

As soon as I finished that meal I immediately felt guilty and that I should have gone for a more "safe" food. For God sake I feel guilty no matter what I eat so does it really matter? I don't know. It's just part of living with an eating disorder and I can't help but feel fat every day. I want at least to be normal in what's supposed to be the easiest aspect of someones life, food.

Food is my main issue I would say. I'm not happy with my body, therefore I can't really truly be happy or present in any of the other areas in my life. I wish it was just as easy as a switch in my brain but unfortanetly it doesn't work that way. I think we've all established the fact that I'm not normal with food but as far as I can remember, socially I always have been not the best at starting conversation with people.

I'm afraid to go to college for that very reason, socially. I'm fine when it comes to people who I take the time to truly know but just in general I'm most likely the biggest introvert you will ever meet. Part of me wants to be like everybody else but at the same time I Know my little quirks and trials that I've gone through has made me into who I am today and I'm not ashamed of that.

Feelings journal: September 29th 2016

I had an school assembly this morning and it brought back some hard feelings. I wasn't even planning to go but curiousity got the best of me and I wanted to know who the homecoming candidates were, so I went. The cheerleaders were performing and every time I watch them I get a form of nostalgia but also some form of sadness because I won't be able to cheer again.

I still do very much love cheer and I miss it. Then the homecoming candidates came out, keep in mind every single year the popular people get chosen. I never go to assemblies, I always skip them because for some reason it bugs me and almost sends me into like a ptsd response.

My body felt like it was prepared for a fight and it eventually went away within an hour or so. While the cheerleaders were performing, I literally felt sick to my stomach. I feel weak that I can't just let go and move on. It's like my brain is stuck and I can't do anything about it, you can't really stop your thoughts. My trauma happened over 4 years ago can't I just get over it? Apparently it's not as easy as letting go.

I told my best friend, Brooke how I was feeling and she helped me realize that these flashbacks or ptsd type of responses are because I've never actually dealt with them and that's why I can't seem to let go. She made me realize a lot of things that I need to work on. She is pretty knowledgable and helpful for me in this because she's been through it. While I was watching the cheerleaders I got this overwhelming thought of "you don't deserve to eat." I immediately agreed with that voice, but at the same time it came out of nowhere.

After the assembly and while I was texting Brooke I told her that ED was loud in my head and she replied "because that's your main coping skill." I thought about it and I didn't even think about the fact that ED is a coping skill. I've always known that, but in the every day worry about food and weight, you kind of forget about what is really behind the behaviors. Brooke made me realize that I've never truly dealt with my trauma. You would think after years of therapy it would be brought up. I have brought it up to my last therapist multiple times and he just seemed to brush it off. I'm not really sure why.

For years I've just been pushing it down and trying my best to forget about it which is easier said than done I guess. Eating disorders are so much more than what everyone sees on the surface and I myself often forget that. Why is it so hard for me to let go? I've been through a lot of shit but nothing like rape or anything awful like that.

I will never be a cheerleader again and I have accepted the fact that I will never be popular. At least I have something that I'm good at. I don't know why it bothers me so much but it does and I can't help it. At least I can be thin. That's all I want, to be thin.