I had an school assembly this morning and it brought back some hard feelings. I wasn't even planning to go but curiousity got the best of me and I wanted to know who the homecoming candidates were, so I went. The cheerleaders were performing and every time I watch them I get a form of nostalgia but also some form of sadness because I won't be able to cheer again.
I still do very much love cheer and I miss it. Then the homecoming candidates came out, keep in mind every single year the popular people get chosen. I never go to assemblies, I always skip them because for some reason it bugs me and almost sends me into like a ptsd response.
My body felt like it was prepared for a fight and it eventually went away within an hour or so. While the cheerleaders were performing, I literally felt sick to my stomach. I feel weak that I can't just let go and move on. It's like my brain is stuck and I can't do anything about it, you can't really stop your thoughts. My trauma happened over 4 years ago can't I just get over it? Apparently it's not as easy as letting go.
I told my best friend, Brooke how I was feeling and she helped me realize that these flashbacks or ptsd type of responses are because I've never actually dealt with them and that's why I can't seem to let go. She made me realize a lot of things that I need to work on. She is pretty knowledgable and helpful for me in this because she's been through it. While I was watching the cheerleaders I got this overwhelming thought of "you don't deserve to eat." I immediately agreed with that voice, but at the same time it came out of nowhere.
After the assembly and while I was texting Brooke I told her that ED was loud in my head and she replied "because that's your main coping skill." I thought about it and I didn't even think about the fact that ED is a coping skill. I've always known that, but in the every day worry about food and weight, you kind of forget about what is really behind the behaviors. Brooke made me realize that I've never truly dealt with my trauma. You would think after years of therapy it would be brought up. I have brought it up to my last therapist multiple times and he just seemed to brush it off. I'm not really sure why.
For years I've just been pushing it down and trying my best to forget about it which is easier said than done I guess. Eating disorders are so much more than what everyone sees on the surface and I myself often forget that. Why is it so hard for me to let go? I've been through a lot of shit but nothing like rape or anything awful like that.
I will never be a cheerleader again and I have accepted the fact that I will never be popular. At least I have something that I'm good at. I don't know why it bothers me so much but it does and I can't help it. At least I can be thin. That's all I want, to be thin.
No comments:
Post a Comment