Day in the life of me

I don't understand why life is so hard, it's not fair. Every day of my life I've tried to be a good person but I guess it doesn't matter how much you try to be a functional member of society unlike most people say it does. I'm a good person but I'm barely functioning mentally and close to physically. I feel like crap 80% of the time. I'm weak, shaky and just plain out exhausted. It's really really hard living the way I do day after day. Having an eating disorder is hell, it really is, there isn't more of an innocent way to explain it.

I wish everything was different. Living in constant hunger isn't a way to live, it's exhausting. Why is it so hard to just eat? I don't understand. Nothing is good enough no matter how much weigh you lose or how much you exercise, doesn't matter. There is still something in the back of your brain that screams FAILURE.

Eating disorders are very complex and complicated, even to me who has lived with one for 5 years. People can walk away from me, they can walk away when they are sick of hearing beat myself down. I don't have the pleasure of doing that. I can't walk out of my own brain, I can't crawl out of my own skin even if it feels like I do.

It would be amazing if I could step out of my own head, even if it's just for a little bit.

Along with the numbness of emotions, good and bad, physical and emotional pain, there is this part that I can't shake.

Comfort.

Comfort of the familiar, comfort from vulnerability. It's so hard to live this way but I would rather sta sick for the rest of my life then have someone I love go through this.

How long do you have hope until it's been so long you don't even know normal exists for you?

I'm not giving up hope and I have faith that everything will be okay again... please let it be okay again.

Please stay as innocent as long as you can baby girl