Friday was an interesting day and eye opening to the question "Will I ever be normal?" Now I realize that normal does exist, because nobody is normal. We are all just trying to get through this life the best we know how.
I want to be able through my school day without feeling like I'm literally going to die by the end of the day. Obviously, I know the answer, to properly fuel my body. This is the perfect segway to what occurred Thursday afternoon. I came home early from school well not really early but close enough because I was so unbelievably tired and I knew I needed to go home after my 7th hour. I went home and got some food and I had some rice and beans cause my body obviously needed food. So like a normal person I ate food.
As soon as I finished that meal I immediately felt guilty and that I should have gone for a more "safe" food. For God sake I feel guilty no matter what I eat so does it really matter? I don't know. It's just part of living with an eating disorder and I can't help but feel fat every day. I want at least to be normal in what's supposed to be the easiest aspect of someones life, food.
Food is my main issue I would say. I'm not happy with my body, therefore I can't really truly be happy or present in any of the other areas in my life. I wish it was just as easy as a switch in my brain but unfortanetly it doesn't work that way. I think we've all established the fact that I'm not normal with food but as far as I can remember, socially I always have been not the best at starting conversation with people.
I'm afraid to go to college for that very reason, socially. I'm fine when it comes to people who I take the time to truly know but just in general I'm most likely the biggest introvert you will ever meet. Part of me wants to be like everybody else but at the same time I Know my little quirks and trials that I've gone through has made me into who I am today and I'm not ashamed of that.
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