written October 4th 2016

My therapist asked me yesterday how she didn't know how motivated I was to get better. Honestly she's right, I don't have the biggest amount of motivation, that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm not willing to go through the hard stuff in therapy. I feel like whenever I admit to being motivated to kick this eating disorder, than what's the point of even going to therapy?

I feel somewhat self-conscious and bad when I admit it because it's almost like your damned if you do, your damned if you don't type thing. I'm damned if I keep this eating disorder because I'm a failure by ED if given to the curse word that is recovery.

I want to be able to be strong enough to say that I at least want to try. The healthy part of my brain (the smallest portion I have) feels weak for not being ready for a better life, physically and emotionally. Am I that crazy that I let ED into say "No you're not ready, do you really want to lose me?"

My therapist brought up the need to have something whether it be now or in the future to hold onto to replace ED behavior. Maybe it's so hard to find that motivation because I don't have a replacement coping skill, I don't have a end goal that I'm searching for that is as rewarding as ED.

Nothing in the world will fill my emotion or find as more of a goal than ED. Nothing will replace the "high" I get from my eating disorder, and that's the truth.