My thoughts

I don't even know how to explain this ungodly dark pitch black hole that I've dug for myself. I just want to simultaneously wither away, to not exist. Why do I want that so badly? I don't know but all I know is I do and I won't give up until I get there. Why do I waste my time? I don't have a reasonable explanation. For God's sake, it's just a number. A lame number. I've wasted so much time thinking the same thoughts and just watching my mind as well as my physical body deteriorate.

Last night I threw away half of my dinner and when she asked me if I really did and I said yes. She checked the trash and she found more than I told her. She was mad because I wasted food and I lied to her. I just wanted to keep it a secret. My mom, well really both of my parents are concerned and I don't blame them. I just hate that I'm so consumed by this.

Part of me loves it but another is so ashamed of this act of destroying myself. Why am I so consumed? No idea. Wait, that's a lie. I do have emotions that are attached to my behaviors. I want to be good at something. My ED really took off when I quit cheerleading. I was a competitive cheerleader for 4 years and I loved it. I really did. I now had to suddenly live life without a title. I was just Murphy. I didn't want to be Murphy. I for some reason thought the title "anorexic" was much better. It made it as if I was good at being anorexic.

I was a good cheerleader and that was my title and being an athlete. I could be good at being sick as well if not more so than the atmosphere of the cheerleading world.

I just had this realization actually. Maybe I'm crazy. I don't know. I just want to be normal and make everyone around me happy.