How I'm handling summer with my ED

Spending the summer with no obligations can be nice but anything in excess is not always a good thing. Eating disorders are a pain in the ass and it especially is so when you have nothing to fill your thoughts or actions in regards to busyness if you could say. I'm going to update you all on just my feelings emotionally on this subject because I can't fit it all in one post. 

I'm going to be honest, it gives me an opportunity for ED to come in to my brain because I have no reason to really stop it. Nor do I want to stop it. This is my blog and I'm not going to censor anything because there is no need to. You all probably know my blog is somewhat triggering to say the least. 

I want to get to my goal weight that I've had for 3 years now. 3 years and I have never gotten to it. What a failure I am. I'm ashamed to say that I've never gotten to it in that large space of time. I don't have any reason to say no. I don't have any reason not to so why can't I do it? 

Having an eating disorder is hell I think we all know that by now, In the summer with the secret bikini body competitions and the "freedom" that summer brings for me. My parents work. My mom works until the middle of June and doesn't go back until the beginning of August and my dad works full time. 

I just feel like I need to get to my goal this summer. Summer is really hard for me and probably most people who struggle with eating disorders. If any of you could comment and kind of make me feel less alone or possibly relate to this in anyway would help me a lot. 

If any of you relate to this I'm really sorry.