This is a really hard one, because there's so many things coming up in my head right now. Letting go of an eating disorder is almost more terrifying then having one. I'm not saying that about other people but in my case that's what I think of my situation. I'm fucking terrified of letting go. I don't think anyone can comprehend my fear unless you've obviously been through it or are going through it.
There are 3 things off the top of my head that I'm afraid of and those are
- not being able to numb out/comfortable coping mechanism
- obviously gaining weight but the fear is more behind the words gaining weight
- Not knowing who I am without it
These three things have a lot behind them than just what I mentioned above. I will try to not have this post be split up in two parts.
Not being able to numb out
Whether it's on purpose or not I've been numbing myself. From situations, from just life in general. What happens when I no longer have that comfort of numbness? I don't want to feel all the real world scary stuff. It's much easier to shield behind numbers. I don't want to dig up my gnarl, icky scary past. Wouldn't that just put me right back where I started? It scares the shit out of me to be honest.
Comfortable coping mechanism
I didn't "choose" this as my drug of choice if that's even plausible. I was never like "oh that sounds fun I think I'll have an eating disorder now" Nobody thinks that. From the beginning it always felt comfortable. At the very beginning in 8th grade I was a purger. I didn't really even understand it myself when I was doing it. It was comfortable from day one. I don't have a replacement coping mechanism and I don't think I'll find one.
I don't think I'll ever find something that is as gratifying and gives me a "high" like the eating disorder. I'm scared of not being able to find the missing piece of the puzzle that my ED has fit in so perfectly. There's only one correct piece in a puzzle, I don't think I'll ever find another perfect fit.
Gaining weight
Obviously this would be anyone's fear who struggles with an ED but it's a very real fear. I'm obviously scared of the physical aspect of weight gain but more than that I'm scared of what will happen after. Will people notice me more? It's as much my own personal fear as well as my fear of other people's opinions of my new body.
I didn't "choose" this as my drug of choice if that's even plausible. I was never like "oh that sounds fun I think I'll have an eating disorder now" Nobody thinks that. From the beginning it always felt comfortable. At the very beginning in 8th grade I was a purger. I didn't really even understand it myself when I was doing it. It was comfortable from day one. I don't have a replacement coping mechanism and I don't think I'll find one.
I don't think I'll ever find something that is as gratifying and gives me a "high" like the eating disorder. I'm scared of not being able to find the missing piece of the puzzle that my ED has fit in so perfectly. There's only one correct piece in a puzzle, I don't think I'll ever find another perfect fit.
Gaining weight
Obviously this would be anyone's fear who struggles with an ED but it's a very real fear. I'm obviously scared of the physical aspect of weight gain but more than that I'm scared of what will happen after. Will people notice me more? It's as much my own personal fear as well as my fear of other people's opinions of my new body.
Obviously they will think I look healthier which is an inevitable comment, but I'm just afraid of what they're "really" thinking.
I'm afraid of letting go because I honestly have no idea what that entails. That is the most terrifying part to be honest.
The unknown.
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