Therapy overview

I had therapy last Tuesday and it was an emotional session. We talked about my mom and I's fight that happened a week earlier. It was totally the most drained I've felt during and after the session. For a long time I've had this core belief that my parents in some way are ashamed of me. To what extent I don't know and I know they will deny it until their death but it doesn't matter because I know at least a little bit of what they're thinking.

I don't want to go into detail because I don't find it necessary. It was the first time I actually broke down in years of therapy. I realized my parents and I have our own set of issues when it comes to self-esteem and feeling like they need to justify actions and behaviors to in some way make themselves feel better either about themselves or the situation.

Obviously I have insecurities, that's an understatement. That's something I, myself have to work on and I think that's why my parents and I hit heads like for example my driving test. I told my therapist something that I just realized while I was just sitting in his office, this is what I thought of.

When I cut myself and whether they see it or someone at school or a family member god forbid sees it. They obviously talk to me about it which isn't the problem, the problem is how they go about the very awkward and shameful conversation. They don't really listen to me frankly to their credit because they don't understand so therefore they feel the need to acknowledge the scars and simply wrap it up into a bow and say don't do it again.

Like I said they don't understand which leads them to believe that it's a one time thing and I won't EVER do it again. Which for someone who cuts themselves knows that that's not a helpful statement or is it the least bit true. It's an ignorant statement to say the least. My point is I feel like my parents are trying to convince themselves that I'm not as crazy as my cuts symbolize.

To be honest, I wouldn't want to admit to myself or anybody else that my child has gone wrong in some way which I imagine as a parent is the most humiliating thing ever. I know I'm possibly being too hard on myself but I don't really care. I obviously know my parents love me, there's not really any doubt with that. I'm just expressing my feelings even if they may or may not be true.