long time no post

Hi guys! I'm sorry that I haven't posted in awhile I've been kind of busy and just not really up for blogging which I know isn't really like me. I plan to write more in these next few days because I haven nothing else better to do.

These past two days haven't been the best emotionally for me. I don't want to get into it because I will sound like a complete loser that can't get her shit together. Ever since yesterday afternoon when my mom and I got into a fight because I'm unmotivated to grow up aka. get a job or be capable of passing my drivers license test. My mom and I really got into it. It was one of our worst fights we've had in a long time, we don't really ever fight anymore like we used to.

The moral of the story is she was more than pissed off at me because I didn't exceed her expectations of our goal to go to the DMV which was to actually pass. I obviously failed to do so. I'm not really even mad about our fight because I deserved it. I don't know even if I'm mad even. Not that I'm even mad at her but mad at myself that I can't give her the satisfaction of being what she wants me to be.

I was mad at her but I took a two hour walk just to clear my head and I didn't really want to be in the house with her when she was so pissed off. I realized that I'm more furious at myself then she is at me. Not only towards the driving thing but just me in general. I feel like I've failed my parents in what way I'm not sure but I know for a fact that they are deep down inside that they wish I was "normal" meaning being and doing what teenagers are meant to be doing, not roleplaying with dolls that I've had since I could remember and just being my introverted self.

I say my parents are ashamed of me and I'm not saying that that's false because I don't believe so but more than anyone on the entire planet I'm more than ever ashamed of myself. I hate myself with such an intensity that no one will ever understand. I want to be normal, I want to be the perfect unflawed daughter that my parents envisioned. Ever since then I've been really down, so much so that I had to cancel plans with a friend because I didn't want to leave the house.

I don't even know where I'm going with this, I guess I just wanted to tell you all that I'm alive. I have so much more to say and I know I could've detailed this post so much better but I just can't make it make sense in writing.

I've noticed I've gotten page views even when I haven't posted for a little over two weeks and I appreciate it so much! Expect a lot more posts from me in the next couple of days!