this is what I see

keep in mind this post might be triggering and controversial. This is how feel about MY body no one else's except for my own and how I view myself on the inside that translates to the outside.

My friend has a thyroid problem which possibly might be cancerous and I was talking to my mom about it and I reaffirmed my thoughts of the thyroid having to do with metabolism and she agreed. Then she said if you have a hyper active thyroid you are most likely to be really skinny and vice versa. After she said that I just told her that I would die if I would ever have a thyroid problem then I said... "I would kill myself if I was fat". She immediately told me to stop being silly. My god is it true though! I almost want to make a video about this to show you how my intense reaction or just feelings about the comment. If this blog had audio I would be screeching in fear how ungodly true it is that I would rather die than be fat.

I didn't say the word how I actually felt and that word is die. I would rather die than be fat. I can't explain to anyone how much that is true! I so badly want to scream on the rooftops how I ACTUALLY feel about my body and not just say what everyone wants to here. The people that I talk to and care about me such as family and friends and even just classmates saying how thin I am. I just don't understand for the life of me how I see it because that's the total opposite of what I see in the mirror or just looking down at my body and my stomach isn't as flat as I want it.

Nobody believes me when I say negative things about myself whether physically or mentally I believe it! That's how I feel! Does it make me sad to have so many people around me saying "you're beautiful", "you're really skinny." blah blah blah. Am I grateful for those comments? 100% but that doesn't change how I FEEL about myself. I feel fat. I want to be thin so fucking bad and I can't say internally how I feel because everybody thinks I'm just kidding but you don't understand how much I BELIEVE that I need to lose weight and in turn being perfect.

Someone without an eating disorder or body dysmorphia can not possibly understand how I feel in this post right now. I so badly want to believe the positivity that people portray my body as or just me being me I guess I don't know what people see when they look at me. It sucks when all I can see is me from my perspective and not anybody else's. I know it's too risky to believe anything people say because it's not what I see. I want to be my own version of perfect.

I don't give a absolute fuck about what everyone else thinks about me or doesn't think about me because it doesn't change what I think of me! I truly wish in my heart of hearts that I will eventually believe that being fat or even gaining weight whether that's considered fat or not that it's not the worst thing in the world. I want to believe that I would rather be happy and fat then miserable and skinny. I would rather be miserable and skinny to be honest.

This is the only place besides my therapist office where I can voice my opinions about myself whether positive or not and have people say "Oh, stop" or "You're just being silly" or just saying that I shouldn't think that way. But this is how I FEEL. I'm NOT being silly! I truly feel that way about myself and no one understands how much it hurts to constantly feeling like you want to rip all your skin off all the time or just hating yourself with just an utter intense passion that you can't describe to anyone else.

I hate feeling alone but I guess I am alone in this. Does anything like this bug anyone else?