Ranting

Here I am at 94 pounds. Weekends I am not allowed to eat unless I absolutely have to. I don't need to be this heavy. It's not acceptable not is it attractive. I have a lot of promise that I will be able to stick to my weekend fast because I have a list of things that I can do to keep myself busy. 

Something interesting that has happened these last couple days. When I'm in my house and I'm starving and I'm craving a specific food. Last night it was peanut butter and chocolate. I was planning on not eating dinner and I almost made it but when I went upstairs I got this sudden urge as if it was a bingeing urge but realistically I know it's something in those foods, peanut butter (protein) and chocolate (magnesium) that my body desperately needed. It was the type of urge where I couldn't not be in the house and not eat them. I don't really feel bad because I know I actually needed that food but at the same time I feel like I would've weighed less this morning if I didn't eat. 

This morning I had a Clif bar and 3rd hour my friend offered me 2 saltine crackers. That added up to 275 and I'm not eating my lunch but will have the m&ms that my mom packed for me. I have to go home during lunch to get my charger and I won't have time to eat until I get home from school which I'm perfectly fine with. 

I just need to be thin. Everyone's making weight loss New Years resolutions so why can't I? Because I'm not doing it the healthy way? At least I have more self control. You heard me right I have control. 

Finally took me damn long enough. I just want to be perfect. When will I be perfect? I want to be happy. I will be happy. 

I will get there. I promise