What is freedom?

What does the word free symbolize? You can take it many ways depending on the type of person you are but for me being free means health and happiness, being free from the disorders and the pain that consume me. Being free can mean driving or being able to fly (I would love to be able to fly.) There's a lot of things that I can think of that symbolize freedom in my life but the main type of freedom that will make me happy and will allow to love myself, for once?

Why is that so hard?

I have mental illnesses and they suck but at the end of the day it's something that I suffer with and I have to deal with it. Sometimes I feel like it would be so much easier to give up and just say "fuck it, I can' handle this anymore" it's so easy to say that to yourself but if I really ended my pain and having to deal with the mental war in my head everyday, I wouldn't know what true happiness is without faking a smile. I wouldn't know what eating a simple meal with my family would feel like without a second thought.

At the same time, I don't even know if I'm capable of such a life, I really don't. You can't just shut out depression or mental illness which is why I find it really hard seeing myself being completely free from the thoughts in my head. I do wonder what it would feel like, yet the fear of letting go is palpable. Being happy and free would be nice, it would be really nice actually but with that means being fat and losing control and the suppressed emotions I've stuffed down for years.

Being free means health. Being free means genuine happiness. Being free will mean the demons in my head will be gone.

I wonder what being free feels like...