Most people who haven't been associated with anorexia or any eating disorder, they don't understand that we're very sensitive to body talk even when normal people see it as taken as a compliment. "Not oh well, oh fix" is in my head right now.
My friend who doesn't know of my issues nor do I consider her a close friend to where I would want to tell her anyway but she was talking how disgusted she is with the fact that stick thin and fat people wear yoga pants then she joined me and this other girl who made the comment kind of forced us into the conversation by saying "we aren't as skinny as them" then the girl that was listening into the conversation said "yeah, (my name), she has muscular legs, she has a lot of muscle on her thighs".
To anyone that suffers from an ED or just anybody who thinks I'm not being over dramatic about those 2 statements feel free to comment down below! I know without a shadow of a doubt that these 2 girls didn't mean any harm at all but a part of me is upset, not necessarily at them because they didn't do anything wrong, they were just making an observation but it still kind of cut me.
I feel kind of silly admitting that I'm even kind of upset and sad because I know they didn't mean the least bit of harm in what they said but I can't help it. Logically I know I shouldn't be stick thin and there are moments where I know that I am healthy thin but there's still a part of me that knows I can get to where I want to be, I want to prove everybody wrong.
I am proud of my muscular legs, I worked hard for them, I stretched them, bruised them and tumbled with them. I've always been muscular even when I wasn't an athlete and cheer leading made them stronger and that's something that I don't regret at all.
I feel like I'm a totally different person from when I was a competitive athlete and where I am now, I'm a whole different person. In good ways because I don't have to deal with the things I did back then. My eating disorder began when I was nearly on the verge of quitting. Do I regret leaving? Yes and no. I never realized how much cheer gave me a purpose in life until I quit. I knew the environment wasn't healthy for me mentally at that time but I still love it.
This might be confusing to some but I hated my team, yet I loved the coaches even if they were not structured and just bad at handling certain situations. Even if I hated my teammates I loved the atmosphere of being on the blue mat with lights and smoke in our faces while we're giving our all for our 2 minutes and 30 seconds. I fucking loved it. I still do, but I'm not regretful at all because there were more cons than pros but I still love the coaches even if they were negative and threatening towards me. I think I miss it more than anything because I was good at it, it served a purpose in my life. If I didn't have cheer to distract me from my personal life during that time I know that I would have attempted suicide more than once which I am internally grateful for.
All my blog posts shift so quickly, it starts off as one thing and completely takes a 180 turn. I hoped this post makes sense. I don't have time to type anymore so I'm going to leave it here.
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