unachievable molds

I feel like I should be what everybody expects me to be, especially when those closest to me appear to fit it exceptionally well. I know people say you need to be your own version of yourself and not feel the need to attempt to be your own version of somebody else's normal, like my brother for example. I've talked about him before and I love my brother to death and don't want him to change one bit but it's really hard for me being the total opposite of him.

I say I don't wish to be him, which I don't, I would much rather be a girl thank you very much but like I'm not going to lie, I want the life he has. I feel that's what I already should be like. I feel like I should be the one who is the perfect ideal being the oldest kid, I want my siblings to look up to me but I'm actually very ashamed of the fact that I look up to my younger sibling as an idol of what I perceive to be as the perfect lifestyle.

When it comes to my eating disorder, I don't feel like on the surface I view it as a version of attempting perfection by another view that is achievable by my standards, but it is defenitely something I can control so therefore maybe it's a subconscious way of finding a thing to "perfect" at. I actually don't like the word perfect because I know there's nothing that is known as perfect, even I know that.

To me being skinny is something that no one thought existed. Realistically I've always been thin, I've been in sports since I was 5 years old. I never started this as a means to lose weight, it was primarily a way to control be depression because I saw a woman on T.V. who said it made her feel better, that was my goal. To emotionally feel better.

Obsessing about being thin comes with the territory ultimately. In a way it' s kind of like showing everybody that I am good at something. I've always been shy and I don't hate that side of me, I just wish it was more acceptable to be that way. Maybe being thin is a way of saying to everyone that I can do something that no one ever dared to try. Not many people starve themselves on purpose, I have the power to do something no one knew I could be capable of.

Will being thin make more worthy? Maybe not but at least I showed myself that I can be good at something. It's kind of sad that we all try to fit into a mold that we all know deep down is unachievable but at the same time it gives an answer to our insecurities.