I don't understand

I feel like the biggest fuck up on the planet, I got even told so, so actually therefore it is proven by someone other than myself that I am a complete failure and a fuck up. I can't even think of other stronger words, if I could it would be the strongest adjective to explain my existence. I know that somethings wrong with me.

This theatre experience has been as if I was literally walking in back to the Cheer Fusion gym or middle school where I had the very awful experiences and it's just like going back to the place that caused me so much inner turmoil and pain. I chose to do theatre because I thought it would be something that is completely opposite of what it is, which is meeting new people and actually liking them even, call me crazy be friends with them.

That ship has sailed about a month ago but whatever. I know I won't EVER do this again. It's like going through a traumatic experience all over again and I didn't really know how my past would effect my present or future social plans like this, school theatre for example. I've been having a lot of panic attacks during and before rehearsal because It's bringing up the same emotions that I felt when I was going through the same experiences.

One girl hates me, I"m not being dramatic she literally hates me because apparently theatre is the only thing that has stopped her from killing herself and I'm apparently mocking it. No. I'm not mocking, I legit have a reason to complain because no one will acknowledge me if I don't. At this point, I don't give a fuck what they do or I do, I'm done with pretending I'm involved when my crew doesn't give a fuck about me.

We'll nickname this asshole of a girl, A because her name starts with an A. I was making a funny face and she told me in the bitchiest most annoying of a tone, "you have 8 chins when you do that." In my mind that interprets that as "you're fat." Also we were helping a parent volunteer who was helping with dinner taking stuff out to her car and I offered to carry some of what A was carrying because it was a big load and she said she got it but like one minute later when someone else asked her she said "yeah."

She flat out told me she doesn't like me and she's trying really hard not to slap me in the face because she doesn't want to get kicked out of the show, which I think the first one that would throw a punch would be me because I think I hate her more than she hates me.

Nobody likes me, I don't understand why I even try when I always fuck everything up and annoy people.

I don't understand why the universe decided that I deserved life when I was 3 months premature because I don't. I'm a disgrace to everybody. I don't think anyone can possibly I hate myself, I hate myself with a burning passion that I don't have a strong enough adjective to describe the level of hatred towards my unloving soul who does nothing but attempt to live day after day when I just ruin everything.

I fucking hate myself, everything I do it seems to be like no matter what I do, how I do it. People hate me for it.

I deserve to feel like the scum of the earth because I AM the scum of the earth. Nobody likes me they're all just pretending. I should've been born a different person, I should've died and been reborn a different person who is actually doing something with her life. I passionately hate my whole entire morsel of my being. I want to crawl out of my skin I hate myself so much. I deserve nothing. The end.