Mcdonalds

I haven't had mcdonalds in about half a year and today was the first time i've been to mcdonalds in a long time and I was forced to eat it. Okay, I wasn't forced but pretty much and it freaked me out!

If you guys noticed I changed my blog up a little bit, have you noticed? :)

Sorry side tracked! As I was eating I realized how long it's been since I've actually been there or actually just any fast food restaurant without being like with my family, friends or whatever. I see it as a terrible thing to actually go to any fast food restaurant by myself, now that I have a car I have the freedom to do that but even when I'm bingeing I never go to a fast food restaurant even if I'm going to purge after.

It's not something that I even allow to enter my mind, the thought of going to a restaurant say with my family or anyone really, my heart drops. I have a lot of anxiety following it and I'm trying to not allow it to get to the point of a full blown anxiety attack.

My therapist and I were talking and he asked me once how I felt, like they always start off with and I said I felt fat, He then asked me what being fat means..... I literally almost just typed I don't know but when I really think about it I do know even if i try to block the reasoning out of my mind.

Being fat means not being good enough, not being good enough means I will vulnerable, being vulnerable means people can hurt me again. People can leave me. I have the ability to hurt myself with food so they don't have the opportunity to hurt me again. I'm afraid of getting emotionally abused again.

That's my revelation of the day, I still feel drowned in anxiety but I will not purge.