Everything so far this year has been like climbing a mountain and right when I go to where I wanted to be it was as if the ledge that I was trying to hard to get stable on slowly falls apart and my fingers lose grip before I realize it I'm back to attempting to get back up.
That might be a terrible analogy but it seriously feels that way which is very unsettling for my mental state because when I do scary things like putting myself out there it's like I take one step forward one step back which kind of makes my motivation kind of dwindle because it's almost like a cycle of doing good and feeling good about myself and then just my anxiety takes over and almost sabotages all the hard work it took to attempt to defeat my damn brain that makes it almost impossible.
I'm sorry if this is so discombobulated, I haven't written my feelings out in awhile can you tell? Every time when I start writing or typing it's just like every emotion floods out of me and I don't know which one to talk about first so it just comes out like word vomit!
This will sound like total ludicrous to people who don't suffer from an ED recently I've been eating more consistently, not necessarily more calories but like the hours in between eating are fewer does that make sense? Anyway this is the first day back where i'm restricting again because 1. to lose weight and 2. to feel hungry again. I know it might sound insane but by only maintaining my weight and not feeling ravenously hungry honestly scares me. I missed feeling consistently hungry because I knew that I wasn't being "strong enough". It honestly felt good to feel the achiness and the numbness from not eating consistently enough.
I never really experienced suddenly you know some people say that, one day of not eating enough caused them to have a sort of high which now I can say I've experienced that myself because last night I was home alone so I "ate" dinner. That's the thing, I didn't eat dinner and that little restriction simultaneously my brain kind of started that cycle again which is actually kind of scary how simultaneous it happened and it wasn't like I purposely thought of restricting today it just happened.
It's also crazy because I've suddenly got the motivation to exercise again. Now that I'm restricting it's like my brains like "okay, we have to go all the way."
It's crazy how fast it takes a hold of you like a tick that immediately starts sucking your blood until there's nothing left. I know how fucked up as this sounds I've realized how nostalgic I am for feeling hungry.
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