Behaviors serve a purpose

Cutting and my eating disorder for 3 1/2 years have always been my sense of control and my crutch where I can lean on them when I need help because It's so much easier to just numb yourself when you know it'll help because through those behaviors your numbing your "real" emotions by experiencing a "high" off of those behaviors.

I have cut recently and a part of me beats myself up for taking another step back from meeting my goal of being 3 months self-harm free which I have never accomplished in 4 years, and the other part of me doesn't really care because in that moment I felt like I needed to because honestly right after, I felt a high and I felt better.

About 3 days or 4 I think, my scars have been fading and to be honest as completely stupid as this sounds I feel like I'm "missing" apart of me when my scars fade which they always do, I'm not talking about about the fine white ones that are permanent which I do have unfortunately. I say unfortunately because I feel like that's what people want me to say but to be fucking honest, when I do see them like when I wear a bikini or something like that, I'm actually almost happy, happy isn't the right word, I mean proud more than anything because I did that to MYSELF, I have the ability to turn my pain emotionally to physically show that raw and real pain on my skin.

The people that bullied me, that emotionally abusive teacher, adults who weren't capable of being decent human beings. I'm better than the pain that they cause me because I've hurt myself more than they EVER did. That probably doesn't make sense because I kind of rambled. I want to hide my scars because it's terrifying to have my body show my inner demons in a way that I verbally could; although it's almost in a sense freeing that my deep emotional pain and heartache to be almost as if it's art carved into my skin without a single word spoken.

My skin shows more than my mind could ever let me physically speak out my pain because I do have a hard time talking about my emotions, even to my therapist who I trust implicitly. I kind of view my writing as I do my self-harm because this blog as well as my poetry/poetry sites say so much more than you could ever imagine.

I feel like some of my poetry may scare some people because it's such a creative and in my opinion very cathartic way of expressing my thoughts in a very creative and imaginative way. I just felt like putting this into words because this has been on my mind a lot lately.