It's crazy how fast old behaviors come back with vengeance when you're struggling emotionally, well that's the sole purpose of doing the self-destructive behaviors is to numb the emotional pain temporarily with a quick "fix". Which we all know, the problems are still there but although it's a temporary way of numbing, we do it anyway because it's comfortable when everything is too scary and overwhelming.
I always thought this person didn't exist within me but at the end of the day it has and still continues to deem myself as a fuck up of a person. The liar I've become is so explainable but a very necessary need to keep my secrets hidden because I'm too far gone for anyone to understand. Today my cuts kept reopening so I asked my resource teacher for gauze and I got it and when I left the room I ran into my para and she frantically went "what happened?!" I told her that I was climbing a tree which didn't have a pretty ending and Mrs. F was right there and I wonder what she was thinking...
I felt like I was almost covering up a crime and the other witness that would be my teacher was standing there smiling to keep my secret hidden. I felt dirty saying that so flippantly without hesitation and I'm sure I broke her heart to hear me lie so quickly as if I was practicing lines for a pay but really, it's my life.
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