I want my best friend Erin here. I want to at least be somewhat friends with my ex but he wants nothing to do with me. It would be nice when our eyes meet to crack a smile instead of staring blankly at each other and quickly looking away as if looking at each other was a crime. I would be lying if I said I didn't want any decent civil relationship between the two of us but he has no interest. In his mind it's either be madly in love or just pretend what we had was completely nonexistent and that sucks.
I'm physically starving to rip away all the feelings and hoping behind all those layers of pain there's a point where I find self acceptance and wishing maybe one day I can look in the mirror long enough to not spot a single flaw and just be happy. Is that too much to ask?
This isn't a pity party, this blog is primarily to vent and have someone possibly recognize this and relate to my words in some way. I'm just trying to project what I'm feeling with no real direction because honestly I don't know what I'm feeling nor do I want to know.
Like I said I'm hungry. I'm starving myself and some days I find comfort in the physical aspect of hunger but others like these past couple of days I wonder "why am I even doing this?" I can't get out of this and it honestly scares me. 80% of the time I like my eating disorder to focus on physical hunger rather than emotional pain. Feeling my stomach growl instead the aching if my heart. My hands are shaking and I feel light, like I can float away if I stand up.
Eating means feeling. Not eating means numbness and satisfaction among a evil disease. Which is better? I got on the scale today and it said I weighed 90 pounds. To be honest that scared the shit out of me because I'm realizing what I'm doing to my body. What I'm doing to my family. I was shocked at first but then I was just angry and sad that this has finally has taken ahold like nothing before. It took me 3 years to finally see that number on the scale. I'm not going to let it go.
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