Welcome to part 2 if you are interested enough to read this.
Okay so the point of this post is now that I have a boyfriend and becoming more social i'm recognizing my social anxiety becoming more prominent and i'm not really a spontaneous person at all and my boyfriend is totally the opposite of me and he has a hard time being alone like my brother i don't know if he knows how to be alone because he literally can't be in the house for more than 24 hours or he goes crazy i swear.
He wants to hang out with me all the time which i'm not complaining about at all but he wants to hangout every day and i'm like uhhh now... like seriously i can hangout with people every other day or 2 days but hanging out with people especially the same person every day isn't okay with me. I like hanging out with him i really do it's just not my personality to be a social butterfly like i'm an introvert and i'm actually happy just hanging out in my room by myself.
Since he's super social and i'm obviously not i ended talking to my mom about it and i asked her if some of it is my PDDNOS and we ended up looking up the social skills with someone like me and i was actually really surprised that 97% of the things they talked about i had in myself and like i said in my last post in the beginning i was very defensive when anybody said to me "that's your PDDNOS" because i didn't want to believe it because who wants to be like "YOUR RIGHT I DO HAVE AN AUTISM DIAGNOSIS!" Nobody that i've met.
I get anxious with his spontaneity because whenever i hangout with somebody even if it's my family like if we go out to dinner i need to know 4 or 5 hours in advance or even better a day in advance but when i feel pressured into doing something i get really anxious and hanging out with people is supposed to be fun! Why do i have anxiety over something that's supposed to be fun!! Ugh.
It really bugs me and makes me feel like i have to measure up to my brother because he's mr. social. I'm sometimes ashamed of who i am because i'm not socially acceptable to other people. I almost started crying when i was talking to my mom about this and when we were looking my diagnosis on the internet and i asked her "is there anything to help me" and she said "you just have to push yourself" and that's when my throat started getting tight ya know that lump in your throat when you're trying to hold in your tears? Yeah then i just left before i had started crying in front of her.
I'm starting to accept the fact that yeah this is my personality and this is who i am but it doesn't make me feel any better because it's just annoying when your lack of willingness to hangout with people makes you anxious and then when you actually go forward with those plans you get anxious because you just want to sit in your room by yourself because that's what your comfortable with.
I could go on and rant forever about this but i've already written two long posts about this and all of you are getting bored i'm sure.
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