Journal topic: How have you fueled yourself today.

This is the disclaimer beforehand  because i didn't want to take up the space on the actual post. I was in a really bad place mentally when i wrote this.

I highly suggest you read it because it can be very triggering if you're not prepared. 

trigger warning post beforehand  

Fuel: Supply or power (verb) A verb is an action of a noun

Food: Any nutritious substance that people or animals eat or drink, or that plants absorb, in order to maintain life and growth. (noun)

Directly under the definition of food i see this in quotations "We need food and water". Is food really a need? Or is it a want? I believe it's a privilege to gorge yourself until your hearts content or when your soul is satisfied, is it really satisfaction we feel? Or is a necessity to our bodies? I believe it can very well be both. 

For me I don't eat for satisfaction, i eat for the morbid fact that i have to consume gluttonous calories to survive. I satisfy my hunger that gnaws at my soul taking it under piece by piece. I don't eat to satisfy the raging chemicals in my brain. I eat merely for the physical need. 

I don't understand how you can be mentally elated by a greasy piece of pizza. When i was allow myself to eat i do feel the chemicals in my brain thanking me for my gratitude. It's hard to be mentally satisfied when you have a roommate if you will on the other side of your brain that wants to take my soul and smash it to the ground until all that's left of me is my skeletal body and that magic number on the scale that says (Goal weight).

There are events that i've attended where i had to act "normal" with food. Eat all the food on my plate and socialize as if the calories i just ate wasn't brainwashing me with guilt for how greedy i was while calculating the meal i had way too much of and also going through the food i ate during the day recalculating my grand total shame. I eat with my family and friends to appear normal but then anorexia takes over the next day saying "Fat bitch, you don't need to eat today".

Food isn't satisfaction of the mid. It's the satisfaction of the body trying to run as well as it can while your brain is slowly decaying. 

Food isn't a need

Food is a want 

You want food, you don't NEED food. Mentally you want it. Physically you don't need it. 

Physically your body is eating itself shaking from your lack of nurtarance, at the same time your fingers can't quite reach for the food in the cupboard because something is stopping them.

Mentally you can't focus on anything else except the side of your brain that says "food" while your blurry eyes from tears stare at the cupboard for 5 minutes contemplating the need for said food. 

This is anorexia. It's not evacuation. It's not being hospital bound. It's not a feeding tube stuck up your nose against your will. This is the side of anorexia that no one sees nor will understand. The mental war that will never end.