This month is the month that the seed of ED got planted in my brain 3 years ago. 3 years is a long time to be struggling with something that never leaves your brain for more than a hour or two. Since the last year i did my "2nd year" post there has been a lot of changes, trials and triumphs within myself as well as my eating disorder. I was going through my archives to find the post that i did last year very similar to this one. I realized you have to go to the web version if you're on your phone to get to them but it pops right up on the computer.
Anyway as i read that post how much can change in year. This time last year around May i made the decision to talk to my parents about the growing severity that i became so well at hiding and still am. From there i was referred by my current therapist to a therapist who specialized in eating disorders. You can read my posts from back then if you want to know the full story. I'm still very much struggling and the thoughts never go away.
That's my parents were confused when i wrote the letter to them. The one sentence i will never forget from the whole ordeal is when the honesty in the question was very well noticeable my mom asked "What are you exactly recovering from?" I'm not afraid of telling them the truth i'm terrified of questions like that. I completely understand when girls and women say "I've struggled with this for over a decade." I totally understand how that could happen because it's a very secretive, manipulative, silent disease unless you are visibly emaciated or something bad happens.
Every year I am more aware of myself and my body in good ways and bad but it'll always turn out okay in the end, right? Take my poetry for example i'm a sem-finalist in a contenset and i never thought that i was even possible for me or knew i had such a creativity and talent. This seems like a New Year's thoughts post basically my point is every year i evolve in my understanding of myself, life and my eating disorder which can be again both good and bad whichever way you want to look at it.
I am fearful for the future though with my eating disorder, i don't know what recovery means or looks like but i'm fearful that i will be in college and still striving for this unachievable goal of thinness because you are never thin enough are you? I don't want to be forced into recovery whatever that means. I said this before and i'll say it again, i'm terrified of letting go of this for every reason imaginable, i'm terrified of gaining weight, losing my identity, comfort, numbness, etc etc.
The one thing that scares the shit out of me is living with this for the rest of my life. That is my biggest fear. Whoever says you love looking thin, bullshit because you of all people know what being thin encompasses and it's more than a damn number i'll tell you that. I found this documentary on YouTube it's called Thin and it's documenting 1 teenager and 3 women journey's through their treatment stay at Renfrew in Florida and one scene that makes me cry every time i think about it and watch it (I've watched this documentary twice before) is this scene that i will leave below.
A day with ED is another day of hell and obsessions and compulsions but at the same time you crave it because it's what's safe and comfortable. I'm tearing up as i'm writing this because that fucking scene left me sobbing for about an hour afterwards and it left me with this ache in my heart because that is what eating disorders are.
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