"Traumaversary" 12/5/12

Two years ago today i was in the pysch ward for suicidal thoughts. It's weird because even when it was two years ago i still remember every single event leading to and during my stay. The couple days/weeks before my admission wasn't a pleasant time to remember. There was a few events that happened during that time coming to a head all at once. I don't like to talk about the days previously my admission because that time in my life was very very dark and i don't blame anybody but myself.

I remember my mom and I sobbing together on my bed the night before because i told her now i was feeling and why i felt it. I remember that time of year as if it were yesterday. I remember sitting in my therapists office telling her that i wanted to die and from then on my world felt like it was a stand still. That morning i went to school, a day like any other but in my 3rd hour class i was left with uncertainty and fear. The phone rang, my teacher picked it up and said "M, you're leaving." I had no idea what was going on. I signed out and found my mom's car waiting in front of the school.

I asked my mom "What are you doing?" She simply replied "were going to Susan's" (my therapist at the time). From then on out that car ride seemed to determine my fate. I'm not going to waste my time replaying the whole 3 days, i could easily write a book to be honest :)

It was a pleasant stay by any means but i found comfort in knowing i was safe and everyone there accepted me with open arms and everything i was talking about some person could relate to it in some way and that's something that i've never experienced before. I had people who didn't think i was crazy and the nurses and staff were very welcoming and warm except the dietician that I met while i was there.

I'm proud that I haven't gone back even when i did have suicidal thoughts i got over them and i'm not self-harming as much as i did back then but my eating problems have taken a whole new affect on my mind and my body. I've gone through so much since then and i'm proud of myself that i was strong enough to make it through.