December :)

It's weird knowing that there's only a month left of 2014...

I've been through a lot this year... our whole family has and it's crazy to know that my grandpa has been dead almost a year... He was the rock holding my dad and basically our whole family together or maybe it's just the fact that he was the first person on the Jonas side of the family who has died.

He was a man like no other, i know everyone thinks that about their family members but he wasn't like any grandparent i've ever met. No one understand what it's like to lose a grandparent who was so special. He helped so many people and had a heart heart so big you could feel his presence right when he entered a room. I constantly think of what i didn't say to him the very last night i got to see his enlightening soul. During thanksgiving my aunt, mom and cousin were talking about him and stories of the month spent watching him slowly die. I heard things i could spend my whole life not knowing because my cousin was old enough to go to the hospital and mature enough to realize the extent of his illness. My parents wouldn't let my brothers and I visit him in the hospital, i was mad at the time because i wanted to say goodbye but hearing story after story i'm glad that i got to say goodbye in prayer because hearing my cousin talk about her experience and countless of stories from my older cousins and everyone that had the chance to personally say goodbye, i know for a fact i wouldn't be able to handle it. Hearing my cousin talk about her experience visit in the hospital and just things about my grandfather, i was fighting back tears and i felt this heaviness in my chest just listening to what they had to experience.

2 of my older cousins had to zip his lifeless body into the bag to send to the mortuary. I couldn't imagine... I could've gone my whole life not knowing that. I wouldn't be able to handle that. My chest feels heavy just typing this. Some of you may have lost a grandparent but none of you have lost any grandparent like him. I hope he knows i love him and always will. I want him to know he and his wife were my only solid grandparents who were there when my other grandparents where to self-centered. I constantly wonder if i said "I love you" on Christmas eve. Even if i said goodbye. I want him to know how much i appreciate his role as a grandparent, parent, husband, founder of countless businesses and most importantly as a man.

I will forever be your little miracle baby. :) I love you.