The lesser of two evils

At lunch today i saw my school counselor and she knows about my eating disorder and she was watching the kids in the lunch room like she sometimes does and i never walk on the side of school that i walked today like i rarely during lunch and for some reason i did today and she was standing right where i was walking to get to the library. I passed her but i tried to make as little eye contact with her as possible so i don't know if she saw me but she wasn't exactly facing a angle that she couldn't see me she.

She caught me about 2 or 3 times last year and she's caught me once so far and i'm so paranoid that i kept looking at the library door every few minutes to see if she was coming to get me because she knew where i was going. She's very intimidating and she doesn't take anyone's bullshit kind of person and i'm not saying that because she knows one of my most personal struggles but everyone i've talked to agrees. I just hope i don't get one of those blue little notes that says go to the counselors office in the next couple days or even today because i know what she's going to say like the many times i've got called in her office. I don't even know what i'm going to say to her when and if she wants to see me since she's caught me so many times.

I hate eating at school. I want to keep control and eat on my own time without receiving question after question about why i'm eating so little. To be honest i have a hard time eating so much food at one time. I would rather have it spread out throughout the day so i don't get the anxious full feeling and to keep my digestive system at bay as much as possible because when I eat alot at once i get really gassy and bloated because my body isn't eating that much at one time. (tmi sorry!) At the same time though i want to tell her. I want to tell her how much i hate my body. How much i hate school. I want her to understand. I want her to be as open with her as i am with my therapist to help me. I don't know.

It's so weird, I want everyone that i care about to help me but then i get this paralyzing fear knowing that they could take this away from me. I feel terrible when i ask for help because no one's forcing me to get better and part of me believes that's the cowards way out.