Will the ocean ever become smooth?

You never realize how much you will miss someone until their gone. Now I know what you're thinking, I'm not talking literally. Actions and behaviors of people or parts of people that I miss that brief period of time where you see a different side of a person, last week was someone I was wanting to talk to for awhile, someone who wasn't disguised by alcohol. It's scary not knowing when he's going to come back and go back to the funny and kind man I know he can be. When my mom and I came home from the grocery store I could immediately tell he was drinking by the way he was talking to me. Repeating the same phrases, talking impulsively and his eyes were dreary and sloppy. When he was out of the room I smelled his cup and it was the strong stinch of alcohol. I have to admit I was kindof surprised because he went a week without disguising what he felt like needed to be suppressed. I wouldn't say I was disappointed but sad as to why. He's supposed to be on a diet and I have to give him credit he's very commited and have seen significant change in my dad's as well as my moms behaviors and attitudes towards food and health. I knew logically that he wouldn't stop cold turkey for long but subconsciously I kindof hoped he would. My parents are working towards a healthier and potentially happier lifestyle and I am so proud and supportive of them because they have said many times over the years that they would participate in many diets which have failed, this time though I see a different motivation and determination to get healthier and it makes me happy. When my dad was drinking that night, i expected him to have a drink sometime but I expected more in moderation because of how determined he seemed to quit. I know I shouldn't have clinged to his words so tightly but part of me wanted to believe he meant it which is irrational on my part. 

It seems like nothing stays normal for any amount of time in my life it seems to always screw me over in the fact that no one/nothing is always solid. I'm sick of always being in limbo, not knowing where my next friend will come and having to wonder how long this sense of friendship will last. Most people find this part of life exciting because that's supposed to be life right? To me it's absolutely terrifying and sends me into paralyzed anxiety. I like structure and schedules and planning because it's like a road map to success. I know I need to get rid of this belief and have faith that everything will work out how it's supposed to even if it takes longer without my planned life map out in front of me. Maybe subconsciously I gave food a sense of power and control because I hated/hate the fact that life is unplanned and is constantly a form of war. As for me anyway. 

I say subconsciously because I don't remember ever actively seeking out a means of control, it was just a way to regulate my depression which I guess is a way of control. I don't know. 

I don't know when my sense of self worth and therefore cultivating relationships because you can't really care for other people as much as they deserve because you don't respect yourself. Solid true friendships will come my way. I don't want to be seen as weak because I don't know what my place in the world without a back bone (relationship) to fall back on. I feel that way, that's why I don't like to pity myself too much but there comes a time where I can no longer carry the loneliness in me anymore. I don't want to depend on people but it's normal to have someone who can be a form of solidity on this very wobbly life train. I'm putting myself out there and bring nice to people and in trying my best to show everyone what they would want in a friendship but they always slip away whether physically or emotionally. Emotional wounds are worse than physical ones in my opinion because physical wounds always heals itself bad tends to always mend back together. Emotional betrayals leave a scar like nothing else and it takes longer to heal. When people you love are miles away you will always stay in communication somehow but when find yourself emotionally being used those walls of communication no longer exist  and it's as if you have tape around your mouth and invisible shields around you and no matter how hard or long you tell and pound your fists they choose not to hear your wails and pleads to just talk to me. 

I started this post one thing and ended up on a totally different topic but the one thing that these two topics in my life have in common is that nothing is smooth for any length of time. But I guess that's life right? 

I have had this in my draft for a couple days just forgot to post it :) oops