The last couple days have been really hard on me emotionally because when i first started school in August i was suddenly introduced to a new kind of spotlight that i've never experienced before, i had people who liked to be with me and I was in my eyes finding my way without anyone forcing me to and i craved that to be honest and without trying i found people that enjoyed being with me. Now it's the end of October and now that social scene that i craved is slowly drifting away.
They just simply aren't really talking to me anymore and acting like i'm invisible and to be honest i don't even know why. Two of the people i've been hanging out with the two people lets call them C and Z have similar family situations and found their similarities in each other and didn't even bother to recognize that i was no longer apart of their circle. Then this guy who is really nice actually and we're still on good terms and somewhat like eachother (as friends) but he's no longer in my English class and no longer has my lunch time either. I don't have any "friends" in my class and the way Z has been treating me the last couple weeks makes me think that this was just a joke and they thought our "Friendship" was something funny bringing in the antisocial weird girl to his team. Which i know isn't true but the way he's acting makes me feel that way. I asked him yesterday why he isn't talking to me all of a sudden and he said "I have no reason to". I don't know about you but that was like a big slap in the face.
Eversince then i've been depressed and not depressed in a way that i'm really used to, that not makes sense... i mean like i've felt depressed but not the kind of depressed where i've felt completely hopeless and have no energy and just feel like a pile of shit. Last night i was really depressed because at the beginning of the year my mom and i had a conversation about doing online school and we decided to wait till semester which is coming up in a month in a half or so and now that she knows what's happening in school we've talked about it more intensely and i honestly don't know if it's the right decision or not. I decided on waiting until next year my junior year because i feel like transferring at semester is too complicated and too soon and that gives me alot more stress than relief that i'm getting out of public school.
Anyway so i went on a walk/run after talking to my dad about online school and i was feeling really confused, stressed, overwhelmed and so i was gone for about an hour and 15 minutes and when i was walking and alone with my thoughts i started scaring myself because i was having really intense suicidal thoughts and i haven't intense ones like that ever since i was admitted to the mental hospital and to be honest it really scared me, but as i got more into my walk i started to calm down and i realized that i'm not going to pity myself, shit happens and i'm going to deal with it.
I'm not miserable in school but i'm not happy either, i'm feeling much better now. I do have people that care about me and that means more than the friends i have or don't have in highschool. I have my whole life ahead of me and four years of highschool isn't worth doing something i'll regret. Even if i don't really socialize with the people at school, i still like being with people and seeing them if that makes sense like going to school seeing people even if i talk to like one person is more appealing to me then sitting on my couch on my computer being taught lessons watching my dogs. Don't get me wrong i love my dogs but i don't want them to be my only way of interaction during the day.
I'm feeling better today and not feeling so hopeless, i talked to a few people today and they're really nice and friendships don't come easy for me but at least i'm trying, right?
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