Journal entry: October 15th 2014

Throughout my life i have always had a relatively supportive family background. They've watched me struggle to survive to fighting to get back to any state of normalcy and fall down again and struggle to even pretend i'm okay, three years of repeating the famous humpty dumpty story. I don't know understand why everyone sticks by me through all my shit when i do everything i can to drive them away. It's easier to hide things when you're alone. Pretending you're okay is the hardest part hiding a problem from the people you love. I've tried for as long as i could to achieve that state and stay there until being normal and okay became something i no longer could identify. I don't even know what it feels like. For the longest time i've felt as if i were under water drowning and trying to grip anything just to stay afloat. I long for the day where i can finally breathe again. Is that possible for me? I don't know, every positive thing in my life i always find a way to make it negative and unenjoyable. I don't want to feel sad and hopeless all the time. When will i be set free?