Family drama

I needed somewhere to vent and i was going to write in my journal just cause this is kind of personal and if someone in my family finds it they might not be pleased but i feel safer typing my feelings rather than writing on a piece of paper where someone could glance over my shoulder.

I don't really care this is my blog and i'm not going to feel bad and i want whoever's going through the same situation to have someone to relate to.

When my grandpa died last year was when my dad's drinking became more apparent, he always has been a drinker but not necessarily for emotional reasons. Now ever since his dad got sick with cancer that turned out to spread to pneumonia and eventually leading to his death, i've noticed a more vulnerable side of him and which in turn is where the excessive drinking has came in to play. I don't know writing this i all of a sudden don't know what to say, even if my mind is racing.

My dad's drinking has defenitly taken a toll on my parents relationship and it leads to fighting and it's happening alot more now than it ever has. A couple months ago they were having a heated discussion i don't know what about but i heard out of my dad's mouth "Leave me" and i froze in shock trying to hold back tears. Ever since then it's never been the same between my parents. Having his dad die, i've seen a unrecognizable switch in our family dynamic and honestly it really scares me. All of a sudden my brothers and i are in the middle of my parents marital issues and i feel bad, i should be able to protect them but i don't know how. I feel i should take all of my siblings emotions as if they were my own because i don't want them to feel the questionable fear i'm feeling.

I talked to my brother today (he's 12) and he said they might get a divorce and that it's better for them to be apart if all they do is fight which i don't agree with at all. I have alot of friends who have divorced parents and i don't want to be another statistic. Families are supposed to be together, not going back and forth from mother and father. What scares me the most is school has never been a safe place for me at all so i've been relying on coming home after school as kind of my "safe zone" and now my "safe zone" is full of fighting and tension which causes me stress and anxiety as well as my brothers.

This has been going on ever since maybe January of this year ever since my grandpa passed away. I've cried myself to sleep a couple of nights. I overheard my dad call my mom a bitch behind her back and i just started crying because i don't know why but i never had "dysfunctional family" or "divorce" as an option in my mind. Everyone has their dysfunction i know that, i just i guess didn't want to believe that was a possibility.


It's impacting me alot, i have a hard time staying asleep at night, i'm having anxiety attacks recently which i haven't had one in a long time i've had anxiety but not really as frequent as it has been. It's made eating really hard for me, i don't feel like i deserve food. I don't want it. I don't need it. I haven't cut in a month in a half and i feel like i have all these emotions in me that i need to bleed out. I don't really know what to do.

It's interesting because all shit went down after my therapy session on Friday. Now i'm going to have to wait to 2 weeks to talk about this family crap. I don't know if he'll see this, hopefully he'll remind me what i need to talk about cause i'll probably forget.