I wanted to regard this to every eating disorder because even though they are different such as thoughts/behaviors/"rules" etc. they are all very much the same because all ED's focus on one thing:Food. I can really only speak for myself because even though i do have characteristics of bulimia and anorexia athletica i still have mostly anorexic thoughts not necessarily behaviors. Anorexia for me symbolizes control over what you do or don't put in your mouth. Therefore makes me feel like i'm in control over my food intake and exercise. It's a somewhat scary feeling when you overtime realize the control that you so badly is switched over to the demon in your head. Anorexia never sleeps all day everyday the thoughts never seize to disappear no matter how much you restrict/how many calories you eat, you always have a voice in your head telling you your best isn't good enough. All eating disorders are hell. No matter which way you cut it. They dominate your mind in ways you often can't explain because it takes over your life in such a force that is suffocating.
It affects your relationships with people more than i ever expected i mean i thought this was only affecting me because i didn't realize when i was destroying myself physically and mentally i would hurt the people that love and care about me as much if not more than the mental anguish i was still and am going through. Anorexia isn't just a "diet" to lose weight, it's a physically and mentally damaging disease. An eating disorder is somewhat a friend to you, you find comfort in it's welcoming hand. It's something you rely on when you can't take life's stresses, something in your head switches to just thinking about relieving the anxiety and the pain to an instinct, a very necessary thing to do when you can't help yourself anymore. Nothing is fun about this disease, you pick apart your body in the mirror. Body checking to make sure your bones protrude just right. Nothing is simple when you have an eating disorder. Nothing is normal, You remember the food you ate at the event. What you ate, what you didn't, how many calories etc etc. Everything is preconstructed. You plan out your day thinking how you can plan out your exercise, bingeing/purging to the last digit. Life isn't a free ride anymore it's a preconstructed life that you live day after day in order to achieve what you crave.
You forget the "goal" of what you sought after because by that time you no longer care, all you know is it shields you from your own existence and you realize this is safe. My days now consist of school, exercise and food or lack thereof. You become so fixated on yourself that you begin to isolate away from the people that mean the most to you because all you really care about is destroying yourself into a hollow shell until you suddenly become invisible.
Let me just tell you, it's a very deadly game between life and death. It's not something that goes away when you reach your goal because you made it. No, the way i see recovery is management i don't think i will ever have the thoughts go away but they are manageable. Eating disorders are hell. Pure and utter hell. I wish i never started...because now i can't stop.
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