Update

I've had this post as a draft for like 5 days... oops :) I've been really busy with school and working out and stuff so i never have time, the only times i seem to post are on the weekends or when i don't have homework which is today :)

How has everyone been doing?? I literally have been thinking about posting for awhile but i never have time now that i'm in school!

I'm doing pretty good i mean somewhat, not fantastic if i rate myself 1=terrible to 10=fantastic i would rate myself regarding ED behaviors a 4 or a 5. I know not great, I'm eating just very little i think after my little "recovery high" phase i freaked out and am triggered to lose as much weight as possible and not really eating because no ones really forcing me to eat. I mean at home i am because before and after school my parents are home and i do eat because i'm usually starving and kind of looking forward to eating dinner because i've been starving myself. Therefore i eat all of it which means my parents think i'm okay. I've basically given up on finding a new therapist or asking for one because part of me feels like i've asked too many times and pretty soon they'll think i'm seeking attention. I know this is a irrational fear but i can't help but think that at times. It's not like i'm saying that my parents aren't supportive because they very much are, i just don't think it's as serious as it is or in their eyes as i make it out to be. They know i struggle with depression and anxiety and with my PDDNOS diagnosis (autism spectrum disorder) but i feel like they think my eating issues aren't as serious because they don't physically see the damage it's doing to me and they don't see the thoughts running through my head. They've seen my cutting but actually i'm proud to say that i don't really use that as my go to anymore, i mean i do have alot of urges and have had a few close calls but i've only cut maybe 3 or 4 times in the last 6 months which is a HUGE deal for me! Since my last cut i haven't done it in a month which i remember when for about a year i couldn't make it that far without at least one cut. I have come along way from the cutting part of my life, i feel like i don't need it as much as i used to because i'm actually having a pretty good year so far even if there's been alot of drama.


I haven't been bingeing as much anymore and i notice when i was actively cutting i binged a whole lot more and when i don't cut as much my bingeing urges go down? Has anyone else experienced this? I do feel like no matter what type of ED behaviors i use i will never be fully behavior free because i feel at this point i'm deeply engrossed into this.

The main issue i'm struggling with right now is starving myself and over exercising. I don't think i will ever be free from this without help and part of me is terrified of that possible fact but then again i'm kind of happy that i don't have to forcefully get rid of this just yet.