Journal entry: September 11th 2014

I realize that God or some higher power has a plan for all of us or that's what were made to believe from what i've heard. What if that isn't true? Are we made to believe something entirely false? I don't think so, now if this whole "God/higher power has a plan" idea or perception whatever you want to call is true is questionable at least for me and others who have had their faith be tested.

I like to think this is true. Whether a higher power is actually out there who has a plan for each and everyone of us is somewhat laughable to me. What happened to my plan? I feel as though my life is a movie story line: dips her toes in the well, falls full forced down the well, crying silently and invisibly for a couple years (2 1/2 years to be exact) somebody saves her, her life is back to normal. Or as normal as it could get. In my case, somebody can't save me but someone can help me save myself. I can't 100% say this is true. If my life is the typical sob story movie, once i leave or no one really cares enough to notice the life oozing out of me, i won't be recognized as anything anymore.

Was i ever considered or known as anything special? To my family and one or two close friends yes. I find myself resenting them for their constant love and awareness of my existence. Part of me doesn't feel worthy of their nurturing. I love them for it though of course i do. It's funny, once i get a hint of awareness from other people i want to retriete back into my invisible shell. Isn't this what i wanted?

Here's the thing, where part of all the lies is one simple yet unfortunate thing, because it's comfortable. 1. it's comfortable 2. I'm attempting to find satisfaction with an object/voice that is much bigger than myself. To stay fragile, innocent and young also for the pure satisfaction of watching the number on the scale go down day after day. This is getting beside the point. My question is will my life forever feel like a movie with a beginning, middle and end? I'm not complaining about my life is supposed to be?

If God is really or whoever made up this "plan" for our lives. Why does it come without warning? Is this plan real? I don't know. My life is great, from my parents point of view but they don't see this urgency to destroy my entire being.