Journal entry: today

*possible trigger warning*

Today has been really hard in terms of positivity, I mean i haven't been engaging in behaviors but i feel really low. I don't feel worthy of recovery. I do to some extent but only brief moments, of hope that i will ever get better. I like to think i'm wrong which logically i know i am more than beyond right but yet again the thoughts take over and make me believe that my rational mind is wrong. I want to believe with my whole entire being that i'm worth more than the size of my reflection. I don't see an obese figure in the mirror, i see a girl who is thin but could always be thinner. When i look in the mirror everyday i say to myself i'm thin, but could be thinner. I never thought of myself as big. I'm not doing this for compliments or to be recognized in any way, i don't do this for anyone. I'm doing this for myself. To find satisfaction in what you say? I've lost track. All the satisfaction i'm looking for right now at this moment is for the number on the scale say 85.0. Today is a prime example that recovery is up and down because so far today i ate breakfast but the thoughts in my head are really strong and i'm debating eating lunch. Yesterday i ate more than i have in months or maybe in a year or so but i had 1,650 calories! I know amazing! I'm proud of myself no doubt but i have a lot of fears and part of me is really reserved to continue on much less attempt getting better i'm really fearful and reserved. I have this scary thought when i realize that i don't really have a solid recovery team at all. What i'm most scared of is not having any professional support to help me gain the tools necessary to help myself. I more than 100% know that this damn monster is bigger than me, i know that. I have a feeling now that the only way for my parents to open their eyes is to be like the preconceived idea of an anorexic. I'm fearful that i won't have any self-control to achieve this dangerous misconception. My parents don't believe this idea, they both do believe me when i say not all eating disordered girls/boys are underweight or as society likes to call them, walking skeletons. They do realize that this statement is false. Misconceptions of eating disorders are only what people think. They aren't factual at all. This is what's been going through my head today:

I just want to be thin how hard is that to understand? Seeing the scale go down is my high like no other. I love feeling my bones, i love feeling hungry. I'm not crazy, i have self-control that most people don't have. You should be lucky that you have me, i'm teaching people to be thinner, to protect their health. (pertaining to overweight people) I'm here to help can't you see? I'm not sick, i'm strong.

This is what having an eating disorder is like. I like the thoughts just for the fact that they distract my brain from much more sensible things.