Meal plans

Hello everyone! This might seem crazy to you all but i made myself a meal plan. It's actually a sample one from the internet specifically an eating disorder recovery sample meal plan. I might share it will you guys but i don't want it to be triggering. It's not specific foods but food groups and amounts so if you're triggered by that then don't read the very end of this post. I realized through this therapy fiasco that no matter how much help i get from other people, i'm the only one who can save myself. I'm definitely conflicted with this whole recovery business like i want to be healthy and happy but at the same time i want my security blankets still with me but i know that's not possible. I'm nervous that this will another one of those instances where i get this "recovery high" where i'm so motivated to recover and be healthy but then the next day or the next couple days i'm right back where i started if not worse. I'm going to try to stick to the meal plan i set for myself but i can already see myself or having thoughts of just getting as sick as i want to. I don't know. I know for a fact i can't do this by myself but i feel like i have no choice at this point. I've talked to my parents about therapy and figuring out if i'm going to get a new one or go back to the therapist i had before or not see one at all and my parents both agree that i need therapy but i feel like my mom is a little bit more skeptical because in both their eyes i'm doing better but honestly i'm still the same as i have been the last 2 years, like yeah i'm not cutting as much as i did last year and i'm not having as many suicidal thoughts but with this eating disorder and thoughts have gotten 10x worse Honestly i feel like a lost cause. I feel hopeless because i feel like i will never be able to fully recover. And honestly it scares the fuck out of me. Anyway i'm going to try as long as i can to try to get better by myself and see where that leads me. I don't know if i'm strong enough. What if i'm not strong enough to do this by myself? Where will i go then? Sorry if this is kind of depressing but this is what's going through my head right now.

trigger warning

This is my meal plan:

Breakfast- 2 grains, 1 ounce protein, 1 fruit, 2 fast, one milk

Morning snack: 2 exchanges (exchanges meaning any type of food in any food group)

Lunch- 2 grains, 2-4 ounces protein, 1 fruit, 1 veggie, 3-4 fats and one milk

Afternoon snack: 2 snack exchanges

Dinner- 3 grains, 2-4 ounces protein, 1 vegetable, 3-4 fats and one milk

Evening snack- 2 snack exchanges

I followed 65% of this today, i had to finish a project during lunch so i only had a package of cheez-its but i had 2 peanut butter crackers during school so i guess that's good. So far today i've had 700 calories today. I'm not really in the mood for any more but my family will have dinner together so i'll eat then. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow.