Journal from camp

I've never felt a need to have god in my life, whenever I have that thought I convince myself I can do it all myself and can face my problems on my own. What I realized these past few days is that I was pushing god away, when I truthfully needed him. Through the things I've gone through I never consistently gave you a chance because I didn't really care that much about you and truthfully would've struggled the same as much as I would have if you weren't in my life as when if you were. Now that i'm on the road to actively pursuing health and happiness I realize that I need you now more than ever. I can have as many professionals help and support me but nothing is as powerful as you are. I'm surprised you haven't given up on me yet, I've done a lot of things that should disappoint you but I guess you aren't disappointable. Through my recovery process, I know there will be tears, months of therapy and terrifying challenges and i'm scared to death but in order to experience your love fully I need to get my mind and body healthy first. This life isn't easy but I know it happened for a reason and I can create something beautiful out of my darkest times. I've had many low points but my main low point was driving to the hospital and staying there for two days and realizing what my impulse would've caused with the irreversible damage I wouldn't been buried underground. I've always heard when you attempt to take your own life you go to hell. I'm thankful that you didn't let me succeed. My blood is Satan on my skin pooling out my demons every red drop is a tear too many and i'm relieved when I feel the anxiety fade when I feel the sting of the blade, meaning I no longer have negative emotions pent up inside me anymore they are in that puddle on the floor. Seeing an eating disorder specialist for the first time is absolutely terrifying, i'm ready to face the trials to get to where I want to be. I know you're stronger than my self-harming, depression and eating disorder. I need you to keep my head above water. Recovery isn't something that I want to do but I want to experience the rest of my teenage years happy and healthy and i'm determined to get there. It'll be quite the ride but i'm happy that you will always be willing to stay by side through anything.