table rock part 2

I don't know where to start, yes the trip was fantastic but there was also a lot of thoughts running in my head surprise surprise! I'm talking about food and my friendships but mostly what I had on my mind was my deteriorating friendships and food came into a close second. As always. I guess i'll start off with what is most on my mind: Friendships or I guess in this case lack thereof.

My best friend Erin moved on Thursday, I knew she was moving obviously but Monday-Thursday it really set in for me that she was really moving. Thursday though came a whole new set of emotions and insecurities that i didn't expect. It hit me a lot harder than i ever thought i mean I've been through this 2 other times i should be prepared right? I guess you are never really prepared with all the emotions that would set in until the day comes when you realize she's really gone. Not forever but it definitely sure as hell feels like it. I've also had a fallout with a friend which doesn't help the level of insecurities that I've realized that i have to face. We've had plenty of issues regarding communication and just our friendship in general and it's emotionally exhausting having to constantly hear the words "I'm sorry" and having to listen to yet another case of "will you please forgive me?"

I know our friendship is toxic which is why I've made most of the decisions I've made towards her, but in all honesty she's the only one who has enough passion for our friendship that she texts me everyday, i don't think there's ever been a day that she hasn't texted me even when we were fighting to get away from each other. I've realized now that Erin has moved that yeah we weren't really good solid friends but we still communicated and i feel like that's what i'm most missing. Throughout our whole friendship I've been constantly searching for a closeness between us that i now know that i will never find. We're just not that type of friendship and that's okay. I don't want friends anymore, i'm no longer searching for a good friend or a close friend i just want people to communicate with me, not necessarily friends but just has the heart to say "oh i should see how murphy's doing" or just want to talk to me.

I know accept the fact that i might not have the closest friends but just the fact that she cared enough to text me every day brings me joy and comfort knowing that i'm worth talking to. Ever since she moved I've noticed what i want regarding friends.

I've sent her an email, I've texted her, I've even texted her dad to see if i had the right email address. She deserves a sincere apology more than i could say in a text message so i'm thinking about just mailing what i want to say to her in a letter. If she doesn't accept it i totally understand, i'm not the easiest person to get along with. I just want to take every opportunity i can to show her my sincere apology. I'm not expecting anything from her, all i want is forgiveness.

She hasn't responded yet neither her dad and i don't know what i expected, i just hope that she has the decency and respect I've had for all her apologies to offer the same to me. Part of me hopes to try again but it's only for selfish reasons to have someone to communicate with again.

Has anyone else gone through this? or had these same feelings?