realizations

Some of this i'm going to repeat from yesterday but for those of you who haven't seen that post the long and the short of it is I was in the car with my family and while we were driving home from my brothers basketball game and ironically 2 songs came on the radio and both of them have memories and attachments to my best friend that is moving and it made me really nostalgic for my old life where life was good and I was happy and not paranoid about anything and I miss that past life of me not worrying about anything and just living. I miss when it was just me, Erin and Savannah spending hours talking with no awkward silences and spending more time at each others houses than we did with our own families. Now 3 years ago Savannah moved and now in about a month Erin's moving and I just feel stuck here. I do have friends I just will miss the connection and i'm really afraid of not having the same sisterly bond and connection that us 3 had and still have. When we got home I was fine until about an hour or 2 hours and then I started bingeing and while I was eating I just thought I was eating because I wanted to not because of another reason. Later that night I realized that there was an emotional reason for why I what I thought was just eating because I was hungry but actually bingeing. I want to let everyone know that there is a fine line between bingeing and just overeating I might make a separate post on it because it is important to know the difference. Now you may ask well how do you know you were bingeing? well when I was eating I was on autopilot and while I was eating I didn't realize how much I was eating until I actually stopped to look. That is one of the distinctions that I made. I've realized how my behaviors interact with different situations and I think that deserves a whole other post as well. Because of bingeing the night before I obviously gained weight and I freaked out and I promised myself that I won't allow myself food until I finish all the exercise that I need to. I either binge to the point where I don't even know what i'm eating to restricting to the point where I feel like i'm going to pass out. There is no grey it's all black and white and it just shows how freiking fucked up this whole eating disorder is. I don't know i'm just frustrated with the fact that I can't cope like a normal human being. is it really that hard? apparently it is