poems

Drowning in guilt once I realized what I've done

all those wrappers around me

have no idea how they got there

then I realize what those wrappers were filled with

terrified and disgusted with myself

i'm so fat

no self-control

 

Dominated by my own mind

scarred and poisoned

now way to make it go away

somehow clinging to the brink of life

while being pulled down by my demons

just waiting for the right second

when I slowly lose my grip to existence

when I get too tired

i'm holding on to life

as if I was hanging off a cliff

while the consequences are much greater

a mountain lion is wanting his needs met

which do I choose?

satisfy my demons or satisfy myself?

i'm still hanging on

until I see a person rescuing me

from the pain and anxiety

that my demons slowly crept into my brain

or until the mountain lion

finally loosens his death grip on me

 

drowning, drowning

faster, faster

lost under the sea

now i'm emaciated

under the sea

too late I say

you're too late to save me

 

Demi Lovato

my lover

she keeps me breathing

just knowing I get to see her

in 40 days

 

my eyes are dark

my eyes say it all

when there's an unmistakable

smile on my face

faking a smile

so no one asks questions

 

unbearable pain

unbearable emotions

this is where the blade comes in

draining the toxins

slowly but surely

now feel numb

like when you're put under for surgery

 

hot and cold

fire and ice

heaven and hell

self-destruction and happiness

totally conflicted

between life and death

 

my soul has been ripped

out of my chest

my demons have taken over

cold blade

silent ears

empty soul

 

stop I said

trying to understand

you will never get into my head

you will never know the real me

murphy is nowhere to be found

my demons are awake though

waiting to take another

innocent beings soul

 

really alone

so scared

help me please

oh wait, i'm beyond saving

 

can't explain

what I want to say

instead of speaking

to the voice in my head

that says don't

your words aren't important

 

warm beach

cold ice

voices still there

all day

all night

can't escape

the voice where my demons lie

can't escape Ana and Mia

where we are glued together

like two pieces of a broken heart

 

i'm a lightweight

don't say a word

I know you despise my whole being

for no reason in fact

i'm a lightweight

better be careful what you say

keep me from falling apart

 

i'm invisible

wanting my light to shine

as soon as someone

has access to my light

I suddenly want to be invisible

did you forget everything we ever had?

don't forget

please don't forget about me

 

burned bridges

a broken heart

tired of fake people

who are uninvited

go away

you don't deserve me

i'm going to find my way again

i'm gonna love you

like I don't need saving

tonight, tonight i'm letting go

 

I want you here

I hate you

go away

undeserving soul

I want you here

to save me

from my demons

I hate you

don't leave me

I feel like I can't breathe

i'm pieces

you complete me

 

confusing brain I live in

I can't explain

I need your life

to help me understand

scared of myself

evil self

angel who is a blessing of a soul

somehow my evil self takes over

my angel soul

is nowhere to be found

 

losing control

who are you trying to take away my secret?

it's more than a secret

it's my world

my salvation

my sanctuary

that is mine and mine only

fuck off

this is my caged and destructive world

leave us alone

we don't want you here

 

don't leave

I need you

can't you see?

i'm broken and scarred

I need to feel alive

help me

thank you, I knew you'd always be there

 

your warm embrace

words wrapped up in a blanket

trying to not them in to my world

secrets and lies

that's me

she doesn't mean it

this isn't her

trust me

she's not this kind of girl

 

lovely salvation

broken into pieces

control and security losing it's shine

don't take away the only thing

that keeps me breathing

 

who's worthy?

who's loving?

who's trusting?

no one, exactly

why would I open up my secret to you?

you think it's fake

can I keep going?

it's not like you would notice

 

I don't know what to say

my words are controlled

by a being much stronger than me

this is not me, you see

this is the devil

slowly taking me away

 

"go away"

she cries

when she says that

she wants you desperately

to stay

to comfort her

and say everything will be okay

 

dirty toxins

my sins are gone

the devil

doesn't want anything in me

so I can slowly die

and go with him

 

heaven or hell?

which do I choose?

i'm not sure I believe

whatever that means

god is dead

while the devil is wide awake

 

nothing is working here

I don't understand

my mind being controlled my demons

I can't take it anymore

 

razor crying out for blood

comfort, like the comfort of a baby blanket

tears roll down her emaciated cheeks

turning to her razor

she has no friends left

 

winter is cold leaves falling off a tree

warm gloves and children playing

i'm inside destroying my ragged broken soul

 

empty soul

empty bowl

broken heart

tears fall

can't save her

she's already dead

 

summer

hot concrete

ice cream drips off the child's arm

water splashing

she hides her demons

with a smile

 

art is a way of expressing

what you can't in words

disguised in black for demons

red for blood

too much to say

drawing is easier

easier to disguise

 

flowers blooming

cool breeze

this is spring

 

neon lights

lovatic's all around

the fandom is broken

because of demi

 

life is like a battlefield

you either win

or die trying

to hold your head above water

when all you want to do is drown

 

shaking

can't breathe

chest tightening

heart pounding

can't speak

can't move

this is anxiety

 

love

love is like a sweet flower

two fingers locked together

together now

but not forever

love is sweet

love is kind

love a unique emotion

we often long to find

 

funny thing you said

isn't so funny anymore

now I have a secret

that no one can find

it's written all over my body

written in red

that's still pretty funny isn't it?

all love is broken

hearts are broken

love is so hard to find

now it's all gone

 

sting once

sting twice

bleed once

bleed forever

lovely scars

 

it's not that bad, you say

you have no idea what I endure

every day in my own mind

tidal waves pulling me under

I could be totally lost in the sea

you would never know

because i'm not physically deteriorating

but I was mentally gone

long ago

it's amazing what you can hide just by putting on a smile

pretty soon

my physical body will catch up just wait and see

they're on their way to the last part that makes me human

uh, oh too late she's dead

"We had no idea" they said

you could have saved her

you were too naïve to see

demons always start at the mind

then send more

draining the life

flooding with poison

life is a lesson, a mental illness doesn't have to be physical