I'm posting on my phone because I don't have my computer with me and I realized I haven't posted on my phone since December! I also have a few things that I want to talk or rant about :) this month is the 2nd year anniversary of my eating disorder and 2 1/2 with cutting and it's made me realize a lot, I've been through so much and I've learned more than I thought I could about society and people, emotions etc.i think I'm more aware of the world around me. I never thought with 2 years of an eating disorder i had no idea it would affect me in this way, I specifically remember watching a women on tv who had anorexia/bulimia and she said almost word for word "I do it to make the pain go away" at that time I was recently diagnosed with depression, anxiety and Asperger's syndrome (autism spectrum disorder). I wanted to numb my sadness and emotions and hell that's what I sure got and so much more. Here is the misconception comes to play, "they just do it to be thin" maybe for some yes but mostly 99% of the 8,000 people who have an eating disorder it's a coping mechanism. Misconception: "it's a diet gone bad" wrong. When I first experimented with ED behaviors I don't remember of ever thinking of ever achieving the goal of thinness, for me it was a coping mechanism gone bad quite honestly. It's actually turned into more than a coping mechanism it's a safety blanket to cover my eyes when I need to shield my eyes for fear or negative emotions. I never thought it would turn out as an addiction and so much more but one positive I get out of my bad choices, habits is that I have more open arms and heart to spread my love and story and possibly help someone of inspire them to not go down the road I'm on. I feel like a hypocrite saying that because I'm stuck in the point where I want recovery just for the sole purpose of eating like a normal human and not have these raging thoughts swarming through my head everytime I have a thought about food and just live and not care, the other part of me is scared of letting go, letting go of the things that are my comfort and is my "shield" when I don't have anyone to fight off my demons. I hear of women and girls who say "they've had enough" of their eating disorder and I think to myself when is that time? When will I be ready to throw my hands up and just I'm done? I really don't know. With any addiction there is recovery and recovery from anything is scary but I think when you've hit your rock bottom recovery is saving you fro. Either dying from the causes of
The addiction or you surrender and you give up on life because living with the grip of addiction is too much to bare. When will it be my time to hit rock bottom and force myself into recovery? I don't have any of the answers. Quite honestly I think the only thing that will persuade me into recovery or give me the extra push into the waters of recovery is getting more professional help besides a therapist that I don't even see once a week. Part of me is scared to even admit that to anyone, hell it's even hard to admit it to myself. It's weird in a way I'm scared of my rational voice because rationally I know I can't keep going like this forever no matter how badly the other part of me wants to believe that. Coming up on my 2 year anniversary I almost said traumaversary but I don't look at it as something that's bad yes it's destructive and sad behaviors associated with it but through all the things I've been through, I've learned so much and that's something that I never regret. From friends, broken or remaining, mental illness, family dead or alive and lastly society but most importantly I've learned about MYSELF. My boundaries, limits and so much more. I've learned about myself through the problems I have/am going through and I most likely wouldn't have discovered so much about myself without the experiences I've gone through. I've discovered new passions which is writing and theatre. I love writing specifically poems because you can express what your thinking and feeling in so much more deeper than level than how many pages you wrote in your journal or how many therapy sessions you sit through. I'm not a big talker (hints social anxiety) I express my thoughts in writing which is way more therapeutic for me than verbally talking about how I'm feeling. I've experienced and currently going through things that no one should ever have to feel it go through but since 7th grade yes I still struggle with all the things I did back then but my perception on life and myself is more vast. I realize my limitations and boundaries now and that's something I didn't when I was I'm 7th grade. I'm still struggling but I'm so much stronger than I ever thought possible. This has taken me around 3 or 4 hours to write cause I'm in school :) share me YOUR story!
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