So many memories
when i think of you
we laughed, cried, and celebrated
so many more
you got my life started
began my story of bliss with you
now that you're gone
all i have is memories
Where I started my journey of life with you
young girl
bright eyes
cheerful smile
crumbs of chocolate
on the corners of her lips
no worries
no cares
dreaming of the days ahead
anyone could get into my world
full of grace
Nothing could take away
her high of life
teenage girl
high off a blade
high of emptiness
scarred arms
bruised soul
fake smile
dull eyes
drool comes down her face
from the food her mom is making
she knows she can't have any
"Too many calories i'm chubby enough"
she says
dreaming of an easier day
unexpected laugh
a mirror
a scale
that doesn't matter anymore
her secret world
is hers alone
no one's allowed in
only if they want to get poisoned
by her demons
and become one of her
nothing can take her high off the blade
off a growling stomach
no one can stop her
so don't even try
Bingeing
rocket blasting off
can't stop
numb
holding my emotions
throwing them away
the trash can
are where emotions lie
stuffing them down
one by one
stuck in the cycle
purging
flushing the disappointment
puking up sadness
stand up
wipe my repulsive face
feeling high as a kite
no feelings in me
empty like a hollow heart
evidence of my soul flushed
Starving
walking around
how I feel
tired of sluggish
food is the chain
starving away my sadness
food is the key
my brain is in ED's hands
never satisfied
stuck in the mentality
that skinny is everything
all I want to be is normal
Cutting
blood flooding like rain
emotions slowly draining my mind
feel the sting of abandonment
burning of negativity
soft hands
cover them
band aids heal all wounds
don't even know who I am
blurred vision
refuse to look in your eyes
you're lying
i'm not beautiful
i'm a monster
of many kinds
constant lying
constant denying
can't let my secret out
it's too special
too sacred
i'm sorry
stop yelling
stop crying
stop questioning
I won't give you the key
to open my doors
my doors are screwed shut
by ED
ED is my father now
I obey him
for better or for worse
he helps me
more than anyone else
click, click, click
goes my thighs
beautiful thin
I will be happy when i'm thin
happy
is love
happy
is acceptance
can't find a way
to make me happy
nothing makes me good enough
keeps me grounded
keeps me loved
friends come and go
family is forever
Sleepless night
thinking too much
can't sleep
drowning in self-hate
god is a blessing
good and bad
he is powerful
gets rid of our demons
when we need saving
god is the angel
to save us from the devil
this was when I was bored in world geography :)
Social studies
World geography
nothing exciting
easier to lie
than to see the disappointment
in your eyes
telling you my secret
very dangerous
you wouldn't understand
the world I live in
easier to lie
Feel the light
feel the happiness
of friendships
you never know
when they could disappear
as fast as a tornado crashing down
Two worlds collide
stuck in the motions
we can't choose both
my own world
reality
does not mix
leave my world alone
my world
isn't like any other
best night ever
stuck in a trance
you beside me
hands locked
lips locked
caress my leg
lovely handsome man
sitting by the fire
snuggling
together forever
my heart is broken
stuck in my head
lost at sea
don't know what i'm doing
in a place so dark
as dark as the night sky
my heart is broken
get away from me
you don't deserve
to see my pain
who says
every thought
every insecurity
wrapped in your head
who says
every mean word
every impulse
who says
you're not good enough
everyone
my heart is glass
I dare you to break it
don't fuck with glass
it just might come back
and slice you in the throat
my eyes are open
another sleepless night
picking apart my body
peeling away my insecurities
in my head
you say to yourself
"I promise I won't eat tomorrow"
suddenly you can lie your head
on your soft quilted pillow
just remember your promise
you can't break a promise
We stitch these wounds
they never did get fully repaired
scars of the past
bleeding my pain
we stitch these wound
hopefully they'll go away
brittle nails
thin hair
heart pounding
growling stomach
broken heart
longing for starvation
of my emotions
that I keep so hidden
Don't worry now
it will be okay
I promise
it can't rain forever
seems storms will hold on
they eventually fade
into the background
the real you
will be the storm
that no one wants
to ever go away
I want to cut
this unlovable soul
inside of me is breaking
need relief from my demons
holding me under
I can finally breathe
World that breaks
into nothing
breaks until there's nothing left
need one steady thing
in a world that breaks
everyone leaves
places change
people change
I need an answer
an end to the searching
I need one steady thing
in a world that breaks
slipped away
faster than you thought
something took her
slipped away
I found it won't be the same
have I mentioned that i'm crazy?
i'm insane
crazy beyond belief
i'm crazy
not surprised that no one likes me
Victories
I thought that I would be strong enough
to achieve
once again
filled with self-loathing
I want to be special
I guess i'm not supposed to be
Christmas
santa
Christmassy cheer
lovely people around
decorations
food all around
doing naughty things
i'm naughty with food
shouldn't get rewarded
Bananas
105 calories
brain food
rather have 0 calories
than for my brain to function
the sting of the blade
comforting warm blood
blood pooling on my body
symbolizing my demons
draining out
lost in the moment
not thinking about pain
physical pain rises above
blood representing my soul
everything numb
blissful feeling
Feel like a fake
when people have it way worse
I can't cope with my life
when they're doing just fine
feel undeserving of my issues
weakness of my body
weakness of my heart
love has disappeared
love my life
ran away faster
then I could say
"I love you"
Heart weak
body emaciated
can't stop
need to feel numb
need to feel empty
empty and numb
is what I crave
jeans getting looser
shirt falling off my shoulders
skinny equals fragile
have someone worry
they might break me
stuck in a world where my secrets lie
like quicksand
you can't get out
my mind stuck
my soul drowning
me disappearing
ED has the rope
his evil hands loosen his grip
almost falling
almost drowning
begging him to stop and tighten his grip
no use have to obey him
or I drown
in the quicksand of life
empty handed
secrets have slipped away
out of my hands
now i'm empty handed
with words I can't take back
empty handed
with my guilt and shame
I would've died for us
you realize
I would've jumped off a cliff for us
spoke too late
now you're gone
love you baby
laying by the pool
my hands in his
sharing a drink
smiling and laughing
don't want this to end
lets stay frozen in time
so you never suddenly
realize you don't want to be with me
I don't even know
what i'm supposed to do
what i'm supposed to think
what i'm supposed to say
I don't even know
Society loves
society hates
society labels
society needs to change
its up to me to change
Love soft
love kind
hate love
sweet love
love is complicated
very hard to find
even more difficult to keep
Please stop
lost in a destructive world
digging myself a hole
please stop
you shouldn't worry
about a useless soul like me
Lovely man
Softly kisses my lips
you say
"It'll be okay baby, I love you"
If you say so
you say I'm beautiful
if you say so
not attractive
in the means of destruction
if you say so
Flashbacks
feel like a
thousand needles in my heart
lost all communication
thousand needles screwed
my dark world
relived
feels like a thousand needles
in my heart
Why would you want to leave?
i'm bleeding
i'm breaking
you slowly fading memories
I want you to stay
where i'm safe with you
feeling numb
from a cut
so amazing
comforting blade
keeps me alive
when I feel like i'm dying
people tell me day after day
stop this stop that
shut up you're not worthy
i'm sorry i'll just shut the fuck up
I try with my whole being
to think i'm worthy of love
I was wrong
fuck it, i'm done
like I said many times before
i'm done
everyone acts like they know me
it turns out
they know absolutely nothing
You are dead to me
you dumb naïve soul
you don't me
I see through you like glass
I'm made of steel
you can't get in
Words bolted
life screwed down
like jesus on the crost
except this body is meant to die
she wasn't supposed to be here
please go away
i'm toxic
please go away
Fucking bullshit
I know i'm not good
I realize i'm not like the others
i'm sorry
I wish I was too
Don't speak
Don't say one word
I realize i'm not good enough
don't speak
you know nothing about me
People trapped in boxes
others free from turmoil
some of us aren't so lucky
drowning in turmoil day after day
annoyed at life
hate life
nothing worth
the time of day
day in day out
food
day in day out
darkness surrounding
like the grim reaper
hate myself with deep passion
go away
i'm not worth your time
Frustrated and scared
of what will happen next
slowly losing my way
lost in the darkness
scared of the future
terrified of the future me
One, two, three
hold my breath
slice my skin
one, two, three, four
blood pooling on the floor
starting to feel my emotions
on my skin
lost in a cut
lost in blood
moment of calm
before the storm
Dizzy head
confused heart
don't know what to do
I want to be normal
is that too much to ask?
Where I started my journey of life with you
young girl
bright eyes
cheerful smile
crumbs of chocolate
on the corners of her lips
no worries
no cares
dreaming of the days ahead
anyone could get into my world
full of grace
Nothing could take away
her high of life
teenage girl
high off a blade
high of emptiness
scarred arms
bruised soul
fake smile
dull eyes
drool comes down her face
from the food her mom is making
she knows she can't have any
"Too many calories i'm chubby enough"
she says
dreaming of an easier day
unexpected laugh
a mirror
a scale
that doesn't matter anymore
her secret world
is hers alone
no one's allowed in
only if they want to get poisoned
by her demons
and become one of her
nothing can take her high off the blade
off a growling stomach
no one can stop her
so don't even try
Bingeing
rocket blasting off
can't stop
numb
holding my emotions
throwing them away
the trash can
are where emotions lie
stuffing them down
one by one
stuck in the cycle
purging
flushing the disappointment
puking up sadness
stand up
wipe my repulsive face
feeling high as a kite
no feelings in me
empty like a hollow heart
evidence of my soul flushed
Starving
walking around
how I feel
tired of sluggish
food is the chain
starving away my sadness
food is the key
my brain is in ED's hands
never satisfied
stuck in the mentality
that skinny is everything
all I want to be is normal
Cutting
blood flooding like rain
emotions slowly draining my mind
feel the sting of abandonment
burning of negativity
soft hands
cover them
band aids heal all wounds
don't even know who I am
blurred vision
refuse to look in your eyes
you're lying
i'm not beautiful
i'm a monster
of many kinds
constant lying
constant denying
can't let my secret out
it's too special
too sacred
i'm sorry
stop yelling
stop crying
stop questioning
I won't give you the key
to open my doors
my doors are screwed shut
by ED
ED is my father now
I obey him
for better or for worse
he helps me
more than anyone else
click, click, click
goes my thighs
beautiful thin
I will be happy when i'm thin
happy
is love
happy
is acceptance
can't find a way
to make me happy
nothing makes me good enough
keeps me grounded
keeps me loved
friends come and go
family is forever
Sleepless night
thinking too much
can't sleep
drowning in self-hate
god is a blessing
good and bad
he is powerful
gets rid of our demons
when we need saving
god is the angel
to save us from the devil
this was when I was bored in world geography :)
Social studies
World geography
nothing exciting
easier to lie
than to see the disappointment
in your eyes
telling you my secret
very dangerous
you wouldn't understand
the world I live in
easier to lie
Feel the light
feel the happiness
of friendships
you never know
when they could disappear
as fast as a tornado crashing down
Two worlds collide
stuck in the motions
we can't choose both
my own world
reality
does not mix
leave my world alone
my world
isn't like any other
best night ever
stuck in a trance
you beside me
hands locked
lips locked
caress my leg
lovely handsome man
sitting by the fire
snuggling
together forever
my heart is broken
stuck in my head
lost at sea
don't know what i'm doing
in a place so dark
as dark as the night sky
my heart is broken
get away from me
you don't deserve
to see my pain
who says
every thought
every insecurity
wrapped in your head
who says
every mean word
every impulse
who says
you're not good enough
everyone
my heart is glass
I dare you to break it
don't fuck with glass
it just might come back
and slice you in the throat
my eyes are open
another sleepless night
picking apart my body
peeling away my insecurities
in my head
you say to yourself
"I promise I won't eat tomorrow"
suddenly you can lie your head
on your soft quilted pillow
just remember your promise
you can't break a promise
We stitch these wounds
they never did get fully repaired
scars of the past
bleeding my pain
we stitch these wound
hopefully they'll go away
brittle nails
thin hair
heart pounding
growling stomach
broken heart
longing for starvation
of my emotions
that I keep so hidden
Don't worry now
it will be okay
I promise
it can't rain forever
seems storms will hold on
they eventually fade
into the background
the real you
will be the storm
that no one wants
to ever go away
I want to cut
this unlovable soul
inside of me is breaking
need relief from my demons
holding me under
I can finally breathe
World that breaks
into nothing
breaks until there's nothing left
need one steady thing
in a world that breaks
everyone leaves
places change
people change
I need an answer
an end to the searching
I need one steady thing
in a world that breaks
slipped away
faster than you thought
something took her
slipped away
I found it won't be the same
have I mentioned that i'm crazy?
i'm insane
crazy beyond belief
i'm crazy
not surprised that no one likes me
Victories
I thought that I would be strong enough
to achieve
once again
filled with self-loathing
I want to be special
I guess i'm not supposed to be
Christmas
santa
Christmassy cheer
lovely people around
decorations
food all around
doing naughty things
i'm naughty with food
shouldn't get rewarded
Bananas
105 calories
brain food
rather have 0 calories
than for my brain to function
the sting of the blade
comforting warm blood
blood pooling on my body
symbolizing my demons
draining out
lost in the moment
not thinking about pain
physical pain rises above
blood representing my soul
everything numb
blissful feeling
Feel like a fake
when people have it way worse
I can't cope with my life
when they're doing just fine
feel undeserving of my issues
weakness of my body
weakness of my heart
love has disappeared
love my life
ran away faster
then I could say
"I love you"
Heart weak
body emaciated
can't stop
need to feel numb
need to feel empty
empty and numb
is what I crave
jeans getting looser
shirt falling off my shoulders
skinny equals fragile
have someone worry
they might break me
stuck in a world where my secrets lie
like quicksand
you can't get out
my mind stuck
my soul drowning
me disappearing
ED has the rope
his evil hands loosen his grip
almost falling
almost drowning
begging him to stop and tighten his grip
no use have to obey him
or I drown
in the quicksand of life
empty handed
secrets have slipped away
out of my hands
now i'm empty handed
with words I can't take back
empty handed
with my guilt and shame
I would've died for us
you realize
I would've jumped off a cliff for us
spoke too late
now you're gone
love you baby
laying by the pool
my hands in his
sharing a drink
smiling and laughing
don't want this to end
lets stay frozen in time
so you never suddenly
realize you don't want to be with me
I don't even know
what i'm supposed to do
what i'm supposed to think
what i'm supposed to say
I don't even know
Society loves
society hates
society labels
society needs to change
its up to me to change
Love soft
love kind
hate love
sweet love
love is complicated
very hard to find
even more difficult to keep
Please stop
lost in a destructive world
digging myself a hole
please stop
you shouldn't worry
about a useless soul like me
Lovely man
Softly kisses my lips
you say
"It'll be okay baby, I love you"
If you say so
you say I'm beautiful
if you say so
not attractive
in the means of destruction
if you say so
Flashbacks
feel like a
thousand needles in my heart
lost all communication
thousand needles screwed
my dark world
relived
feels like a thousand needles
in my heart
Why would you want to leave?
i'm bleeding
i'm breaking
you slowly fading memories
I want you to stay
where i'm safe with you
feeling numb
from a cut
so amazing
comforting blade
keeps me alive
when I feel like i'm dying
people tell me day after day
stop this stop that
shut up you're not worthy
i'm sorry i'll just shut the fuck up
I try with my whole being
to think i'm worthy of love
I was wrong
fuck it, i'm done
like I said many times before
i'm done
everyone acts like they know me
it turns out
they know absolutely nothing
You are dead to me
you dumb naïve soul
you don't me
I see through you like glass
I'm made of steel
you can't get in
Words bolted
life screwed down
like jesus on the crost
except this body is meant to die
she wasn't supposed to be here
please go away
i'm toxic
please go away
Fucking bullshit
I know i'm not good
I realize i'm not like the others
i'm sorry
I wish I was too
Don't speak
Don't say one word
I realize i'm not good enough
don't speak
you know nothing about me
People trapped in boxes
others free from turmoil
some of us aren't so lucky
drowning in turmoil day after day
annoyed at life
hate life
nothing worth
the time of day
day in day out
food
day in day out
darkness surrounding
like the grim reaper
hate myself with deep passion
go away
i'm not worth your time
Frustrated and scared
of what will happen next
slowly losing my way
lost in the darkness
scared of the future
terrified of the future me
One, two, three
hold my breath
slice my skin
one, two, three, four
blood pooling on the floor
starting to feel my emotions
on my skin
lost in a cut
lost in blood
moment of calm
before the storm
Dizzy head
confused heart
don't know what to do
I want to be normal
is that too much to ask?
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