Happy easter!

Happy Easter everyone! I know that today can be disastrous in ED's eyes which is very true but also can be a day of family, family and celebrating life. I have to say as the day got closer and closer I was getting more anxious just imagining how much candy I was going to be eating and the food my parents were making as well. I knew that ED would be with me today and he was, when I first looked at my basket I immediately gazed through all the candy and looking at the backs to see how many calories there were. My family came at 11 and looking at all the food and Easter eggs made my head spin, how much will I have to eat? Will I end up bingeing? Those irrational fears just pile up in your head when you look at all the food and imagining you bingeing/purging/restricting, whatever it is it's always in your mind and you can't help it. I was with my family and that makes me happy and I had fun with them and that's what matters.  My grandma and grandpa on my moms side didn't come big surprise but whatever i wouldn't say i don't care cause i do, in the back of my mind i was hoping ya know that they would show and prove to their daughter and grandchildren that they really are trying but i guess not. Its just how it is and there's nothing i can do about it but that doesn't mean it's fair to us. So far today I've had maybe 400 calories or somewhere around there and I realize that that's not a lot and i'm not really freaking out about it like i thought it would be which is surprising and it makes me feel more at ease. I just had a conversation with my mom and aunt about my grandma who is not really apart of my life and my aunt commented about wishing she would've come and then we just got lead into the conversation. The reality is no one knows what she's going through but her physically and mentally and she does have physical limitations but i think her emotional fears take over more than what she's capable of physically and i can understand that hell i live through that everyday but i guess what i don't understand is how she can spend 24 hours 7 days a week sitting in that house chain smoking the same routine every single day i mean doesn't she get sick of that? That's what i don't understand like i have anxiety too and family makes me happy but my mom also said all the people here know where she's at mentally and physically and it wouldn't be fun for her cause she knows what other people are thinking. I realize that because my mom spews out her life like a open book and i do understand the fear in that but she also has to understand the frustration and toll it puts on her grandchildren and i think that's what she doesn't understand.