I've been slowly losing this war that I've brought on myself, this weekend I've been doing nothing literally. when I heard that I was staying home alone (Saturday until 4 and Sunday until 12:45) I was jumping with excitement and not for the excitement that normal teenagers my age would be excited about (inviting friends over). You want to know what I immediately thought of? Food of course like I always do what will I eat or not eat? How long will I exercise? What can I do to avoid eating or what will eventually lead to a binge? I was distracting myself and doing other things to avoid ED abusing me, I eventually ate something around 2:15 and when I got done I was feeling like I was about to pass out and my hands were shaking really bad and I just sat on the couch for about 15-20 minutes until I forced myself to cartwheel (exercise) when I got done I kind of felt better but I still felt sick and dizzy so I continued to sit on the couch for about 15 more minutes and I had to go see a movie with my friends that I couldn't cancel by the time I took a shower and left I felt better but still had a headache. Even though when I still felt crappy I still thought in my head how can I get out of snacks I did end up eating a couple sour patch things and I hate sour things but I didn't want to say no so I ate like 2 or 3. I hate sour stuff after I ate those I thought I was going to throw up because that's how much I hate sour food! Nasty! It was fun and I recognized more things in the movie the last time and I like it more I think the second time I think just because I knew what to expect. Yesterday I had theatre practice for 4 hours! But it was fun and the performance is coming up quick! May 2nd! And a couple days after that and i'm really excited to see it all put together! Tonight after school my mom and I are going to get haircuts and i'm excited. I'm also pumped for 16 and pregnant season 5 to air tonight! I honestly can't tell you why i'm so intrigued by them I just am but let me tell you my mom isn't so thrilled but whatever! I've had 160 calories today and i'm happy about that. I hope to be able to stick to just this cause I was doing so good this weekend and I don't know if i'm the only person who has this "rule" but i'm not allowed to eat out of my own decision like I have to be forced or asked to make it acceptable. I have a lot of crazy rules that make perfect sense but when I really take the time to think about it they couldn't be more dumb. This is how eating disorders make you think, you have to obey or you will be ridiculed for the rest of the day for the rest of the day until you do what ED wants you or even exceed his expectations which is pretty damn impossible is when he'll pat you on the back and say "Good job, lets expand it tomorrow". The next day you have to be his marionette puppet until you have the strength to fight his gripping hands. Whoever says or thinks that having an evil disorder controlling every move, thought, breath thinks this is a choice, attention, or just about losing a few pounds fuck you that's what I have to say. I mean honestly if you really think about why aren't we able to just stop? I mean were not just not trying to cope with life here. Were just testing the limits of hunger and sadness. How far we're able to go until our bodies give up on us and we lost to this very easy to stop DISEASE?? Okay you go ahead and think that that's cool. How about you try it wakeup every goddamn day and the first thought in you head is what am I going to eat today? How will I lie about this or that? How or when can exercise until ED says it's okay to stop. I can totally CHOOSE to stop tearing my flesh to shreds. If any one of can explain to me why have I been countless therapy sessions? physiatrists? Why would I chose to not be trusted with my own life and getting shut of the world where I spent 2 days in a mental hospital? I choose to lie? Having an eating disorder or any addiction is HELL! Believe me if it's that easy to stop I would have a long time ago. I do believe in recovery I just don't think anyone realizes how fucking terrifying it is to give up the thing that kept you sane for now 2 years. For my family it's hard to understand I don't think they even realize how I struggle with food because I hide like my little sanctuary, a locked cage that I can't let anyone discover. I don't think they know I have a problem anymore which for ED it's a blessing but I would be lying if I said that I don't want them to not know the extent of my struggles. Part of me wants help and support from my parents and have them physically see how much this is taking over me mentally. The only person that really knows like really knows is my therapist and 2 of my friends. Like if my friends ask me i'll answer honestly but i'm not really the one to bring it up because they're supposed to be my friends not my therapist. It's sort of the same way with my therapist like I am completely honest with him but when there's things that I want to talk about i'm not really comfortable bringing it up myself does that make sense? Like when he asks me i'll answer them 100% honestly but I won't really be the one to offer up the information. I don't really know why I feel like i'm that way with everyone even when i'm just having a simple conversation with one of my friends. This is getting super long... I kind of want to cut and it took me awhile to figure out why but now I think I have a logical reason... my mom and I aren't really getting along at all every conversation ends up in a fight and most of the time it's about absolutely nothing which shows how stupid our fights are. She honestly is a trigger for me for my ED and self-harming, every fight just makes me feel worse and worse about myself because she picks out every little comment or physical expression and just blows it out of proportion. I'm not saying it's all her fault cause I definitely have some faults to i'm not denying that at all. There's definitely some things we both can work on to building a better relationship. I like going to school not really for friends and obviously not for work but for the fact that I get out of the house and not really having to much time with them cause sometimes it's emotionally exhausting. We're reading Flowers and Algernon in English class and I can relate to their family dynamic not the abuse but I mean like fights and not really being accepted or seeing something that i'm doing wrong and critiquing me over whatever they feel like i'm doing wrong or inappropriate. I love my family I don't want this to sound like I don't like being with them I do very much but certain times and moments like any family we have fights and family issues it's just how it is. I've always had issues with my mom i'm more close to my dad in the respect of telling him more like on the emotional level, my mom is kind of like my friend Erin we love each other to death and we talk ya know like we're friends but I don't really talk to Erin about my emotions cause I don't know if she really understands or knows how to deal with it. My mom definitely knows how to deal with and respond because ya know she's my mom but I don't know I just feel like I can tell her certain things pertaining to emotional things cause she's very easily set off and she probably worries more than she should and then she blows it out of proportion, she's easy to talk to i'm not saying that just certain things I don't feel like she's the easiest person to talk to. I don't really feel like I can tell anybody what i'm really feeling emotionally because I don't want them to worry more than they should or ya know things like that. My therapist is amazing I've had 2 therapists before him and I feel like he truly understands as the other 2 I just don't think they really cared they just sat and listened to me and then it was just basically awkward silences with really nothing accomplished. I don't even really know where i'm going with this. Anyway I haven't had therapy in about a month cause we had to reschedule so maybe possibly this is why this is so long! I'm sorry if you read this whole thing! I feel like i'm a really boring rambler oh well!
Demi Lovato dyed her hair again! She also went to a club I think on Saturday night and there's been so much talk about it, she has an alcohol addiction but she also is 21! She's supposed to go out to clubs and have fun like a 21 year old should! She should celebrate celebrate her success and have a little fun. Obviously there is alcohol at a club but who cares if she had a drink? She's 21 people!! I realize people's concerns since she was an alcoholic but now 2 years sober I think she's strong enough in her sobriety to be able to have a drink, if she's not she's not it's up to HER! she knows her sobriety and her mental stability more than we do! If she had a drink she most likely made sure that she was mentally stable enough to not go overboard. I don't understand why there's so much controversy over it. She's 21 she should be able to go out and show off her badass self! She knows her body more than we do so whoever is talking about it or worrying about if she stayed sober really shouldn't. She went to a club who cares! I'm pretty sure she would pick a different venue if she wasn't ready to face the temptations of alcohol. That's my rant about that! I just wanted to talk about that cause it kind of irrated me. Now i'm officially done!
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