stuck in perfection
the mirror distorted view
cycle continues
Rise from the ashes
never thought this would be me
crash down like thunder
lost in my thoughts oh, very destructive thoughts
all consuming all destructive they never leave,
I don't think I want them too
they are my invisible saviors
my little secret
where no one else can take them away
broken and scarred
lost in my deep and dark thoughts
scars
my demons and emotions
in a pool on my wrist
so comforting
so soothing
I don't know how to explain it
nothing matters except for physical pain
that's way easier to deal with
than emotional pain
lost in the comfort of blood
and burning cuts
it's never enough, never enough
anorexia
all consuming
so fearful
so scared
a little girl afraid of the world
a little girl afraid of gaining weight
the fear in my eyes
when I step on the scale
scared of the basics of life
stuck in a deep
dark hole
and I don't think
i'll ever get out
lost in a vicious cycle
never leaves my mind
wanting to be alone
so I can be alone
with my addiction
eat, eat, eat
puke in the bathroom
bits of fingernails
stuck in your throat
smell of bile
so unsanitary
so repulsive
but a much needed necessity
stolen away
by clouds of self destruction
lost in a world
where food is poisin
and bones are angels and goddesses
lost in a world
where all I have
is self destruction
I used to love food,
waiting for meals and snacks
as if it were
the most amazing thing in the world
now I see food
as poisin in a sense
it isn't safe
isn't worth my time anymore
where all my time is spent
trying to avoid food
or eat everything I can
get my hands on
only to throw away
in my friend
my "secret keeper"
the toilet
the big round bowl
where my secret lies
while I flush my sins away
my subconscious mind
is a dark place...
but at the same time
beautiful like a cotton field
happy
most of my subconscious
is full of my
past and addictions
it tells me what to do
and I do them
I don't have a choice
but to obey
my subconscious mind
is a very
fucked up version of me
she creeps up on you
unexpectedly
her dark and heavy hands
when she grabs you
she won't let go
darkness consumes you
then your life has changed
forever
alone in this world
where no one understands me
how could anyone love me?
I hate differences
people telling me what to do
and how to do them
why should I care
if they don't care about me
i'm better off in this world
alone
food never leaves my mind
as hard as I try to avoid it
it still consumes my every thought
scale
weight and numbers
all in my head
it's like children
during Christmas time
but this is way different
it's not sweet and lovely
it's dark and unpleasant
and there's only one catch
it lasts forever
numb
I feel numb
like i'm not really here
how can I feel alive?
numb, numb, numb
is what I feel
numb
is how I like it
his words
his awful words
haunt me everyday
memories and flashbacks
terrifying
I spent a whole 9 months with you
I don't need your flashbacks
please
please get out of my head
physcho is what I call me
can't fit in i'm "weird"
I try to make people like me
but yet again
it never works
i'm not going to try anymore
you win
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