explaining why i cut

People ask me why I cut, they say why do you do that? Simple answer, to numb. Blood pooling down my arm represents tears flooding my eyes. The type of pain I can't express any other way or I choose to take it out on the blade. My therapist and I were talking and he asked me why I cut it took me awhile to answer because there are so many reasons I couldn't just pick one. The representation of blood pooling on my soft flesh is not blood, its my pain and emotions flowing out with just one slice across my skin. The moment of bliss where I don't want to feel like a walking zombie drowning in negativity. I cut to numb and to feel alive at the same time. People might be confused by this but to anyone who self-harms they can relate on a level only we can comprehend. Cutting is my way of expressing what I can't say in words. The scars on my body are in a way like tattoos, they have memories and situations attached that can't be removed. My physical scars are just the surface the urge to slice your own skin with a sharp object is a type of pain that is unexplainable. Nobody understands why I cut myself, it's simple to show my pain physically but it's still hidden under a smile and long sleeves. Cutting is my drug, my go to when I need the sting of the blade to comfort me. In a way it saves me from completely collapsing under the pressures of life. It's an addiction and a mental illness i'm actually scared to get rid of my blade and scars only because they are a representation of what I can't say in words. How do I get out of the mindset that cutting is my safety blanket? When I need to feel alive blood is a sign that i'm still alive. When I need to feel numb its my safety blanket when I need to escape the itchy pain of the world. people ask me why I cut, it's too complicated to verbally say. This is why I cut to quite the pain and the evil voices in my head. Cutting is my drug, a drug too secretive to expose.