eating disorder taking over

There is no doubt that everyday is a constant battle with ED, whether to eat lunch or not, whether to binge and purge or not. But these last couple days have been like world war 4 has just hit in my brain and once in a while ED is really loud in my head and these past couple of days ED's taking me over and it' s kind of making me nervous how entrenched i'm becoming in this and it's sad and it makes me nervous that it'll just get worse and worse, now whenever I say this there ends up being a shift in my head, there is a point where I am sick of fighting my demons and ya know want to recover and get better but then whenever I start to have those thoughts of recovery part of me gets nervous because I realize how much I need my eating disorder as messed up as it is it's true. Whenever I let the thought of recovery enter my mind for a split second I get hopeful like maybe I can get better, it doesn't take long for ED to butt his head in and put in his two cents which for that moment of time I think ED is the rational side because in that period of time and thought process I believe it. My friend texted me today and asked me if I want to recover and I responded pretty much what I said here. People seem to think recovery is an easy decision and that it's just a decision/choice which it is but the conflict comes in when ED becomes part of that choice/decision, that's when you rethink your thought process of recovery and think that your irrational side is right which honestly couldn't be further from the truth. I will admit I am guilty of rethinking my thought process of getting better and you know the more I think about it more it scares the hell out of me. I want to eat with my friends and not get anxiety because I have to eat a normal size meal so they don't have the opportunity to question, I want to be on the same page as my family when it comes to food example: "I hate feeling hungry", "I'm hungry" and going happily to the fridge and feed their non guilt stomachs, I want to be normal with food. At the same time I need my eating disorder, I have a hate/love relationship with him and I think everyone with a eating disorder does but it's really putting a halt on my rational voice and what is healthy for me. Life without a eating disorder and my coping mechanisms even if their destructive really scares me, because I don't want to lose my security/safe comfort when I know I can go to my ED or cutting when I need to quite my pain. anyway I just realized how long this is so i'm gonna go everyone have a good Tuesday!