letting Ana go

I'm writing this because I got a book yesterday and it's called letting Ana go. It's about anorexia and my friend told me to write a journal entry about what I think my life would be like without a ED. Then whenever I think about whenever I think about that this book pops in my head, a life without ED. When I first heard her say those words I was taken back a little bit, I can't see myself without it because it's been apart of my life for almost 2 years and it has never disappeared yes it did disappear for a little while but since the summer starting 8th grade year it never disappeared at all for any length of time. I tried to think about it I really did but I can't picture it and it actually scares me to think about it.


I don't know it's a hard concept to grasp just because ED is my older sister, my best friend, my everything and to picture where I am without him is kindof sad and it would feel really empty. It's weird to think about. Now i'm getting to the part where I want to get to which is letting "Ana" go which is basically what I just said but reading this always gives me chills because it's so powerful that might be weird but those words hold a lot of meaning to me. I also have so many realizations about the title that I've never really thought about before.


First off what I feel when I read it, it's funny because it caught my eye right away and when I was looking at other books my mind kept going to that book. By me letting Ana go it holds a lot of fear and rage but at the same time it's a blessing. By me not having a eating disorder I could do so many things and achieve so much more, but to be honest right now I would rather have my eating disorder than anything else, so getting rid of it is very daunting but also a sign of strength and bravery and I have a very new found respect for those who have recovered or are in recovery because even though someday I will recover ED will always be in the back of my mind and it's always something i'm going to struggle with.


Without it, it gives me so much more to work through and accomplish. Honestly though emotionally I think it will be harder because once you start working on getting better and start to heal physically and behavior wise but mentally it takes a lot of will power and I look up to those that have recovered or are even entertaining the idea. Once you start to recovery physically suddenly all these emotions and feelings that you've pushed down or numbed with your eating disorder come to the surface. Eating disorders serve a purpose much greater than just losing a few pounds, they numb you from the world and comfort you from heartache and they make you forget when you have a flashback your immediate thought is to binge, purge, starve or slice your skin because it makes you feel better.


Yes i'm terrified to gain weight, i'm terrified of even maintaining my weight but what I think i'll miss
more from ED than anything else is not being able to numb and being prepared to deal with life without my eating disorder. It really scares me, I want to be strong enough to let ED go. Will I ever be strong enough? Will I ever be ready? I can't answer that but when I look back and be able to say I recovered and now i'm helping others with their own mental illness. Letting Ana go will mean ripping off the band aid of forgetting and numbing out and opening the wound to my subconscious mind, that's scary. I look up to people who have recovered from any mental illness, it takes a lot of damn work. I can't imagine actually having to do it but eventually will when i'm ready.


I will have people look up to and motivate me to get where I need to be and move on with my life. Here's my last question, will I ever be ready to move on? To let ED go and let murphy in? I don't think I ever will but eventually something will click and I will realize how much I was missing out on. Do I regret cutting or my eating disorder? Absolutely not it has made me go to hell and back but he has only made me stronger. One day I will be a motivator and/or be able to inspire others with my story and that's a gift that is much greater than ED has ever given me. It's crazy how fast starving, bingeing, purging or cutting can be so second nature most times when I do a behavior I don't stop and think about it at all I just do it because it makes me feel that immediate release that nothing else could provide for me and I know for a fact nothing else could give me the same comfort. I find it frustrating when people say "just do something else" you don't think I ever thought of that? Not only is it an addiction it comes as second nature where you don't even think before you act on it.


I think the two hardest parts of recovery for anyone whether it be a mental illness or something else, it serves a purpose for something so much greater that society perceives. What happens when I revert to behaviors and don't even think about it? What happens when second nature takes over? What if i'm not strong enough to find healthy coping skills? Recovery terrifies me more than anything thing, right now I would rather do any type of dare than step my foot into recovery. I am constantly inspired by Demi Lovato she recovered from so much and to have the bravery to share her story shows even more strength. No doubt I look up to her so much but at the same time she lives so differently that it makes it hard to relate to her in that way. I relate to her so much in other ways but she doesn't go to school or work and have the daily struggles that normal people do. I look up to Demi for so much but it's nice to know people that live normal lives without a eating disorder or any self destructive behaviors.


It takes a lot of work and so much strength. Letting Ana go is scary right now but someday I will be able to let ED go peacefully and move on to a life of happiness and free of my mind controlling me. I'm happy that I've gone through all the things I've had because it can motivate and inspire to do the thing that i'm terrified of at the moment but one day I will get there and living a life free from being trapped and controlled is stronger than any type of comfort ED is giving me. Sharing my story and inspiring others is my goal and hopefully saving lives with my story.


My main goal in life is to help others with their issues and ones that I am currently battling. Living a life without the wrath of a eating disorder is bigger and better than anything that any coping mechanism can do for me.