January 4th

"Life can be so difficult at times, but fighting through the pain is so worth it. It's better to feel every emotion than nothing at all"

I thought of this quote while I was at my dads funeral. And it's what got me through the experience. I was on such a roller coaster of emotions. In the past I would drink or restrict to find any possible way to avoid the immense pain I was in. People often choose to numb their pain with substances, but it's more courageous to walk through the fire with your eyes open. Instead of numbing my pain by using, I let myself feel all the emotions that came to me. It was a difficult time in my life, but allowing myself to feel sadness and despair helped me give way for the celebration of his life. It allowed me to begin healing in a healthy and honest fashion.

Allow yourself to feel the one thing that you've been pushing away. Call a friend, be vulnerable, and share it with them.


This is a really hard quote for me to wrap my head around, for 2 years I've been numbing emotions by self-harming and my eating disorder for so long that it's in a way comfort. I've been stuffing down all these emotions and feelings that I don't want to deal with and the thought of having all the repressed memories suddenly coming back up to the surface is absolutely terrifying. I'm so unbelievable proud of demi for staying centered through a difficult time in her life, I have no idea what I would do without my dad my parents are what keep me going. Everytime I think of suicide or anything like that, part of the reason I don't attempt is them I couldn't imagine them finding me. The dissapointment in their eyes, the sadness, the grieving their little angel how could she do this to us? I would destroy their lives while I'm finding peace and I'm not that selfish. My point is I'm not ready to face my demons head on and learn to deal with life and emotions without my security blankets. I'm walking around with a security blanket and underneath I'm naked with nothing left of me and that's scary. But the most terrifying realization I've had is the only person that can save me is myself.