"You're so skinny" possible TW

I wrote this when this actually took place 

Last week a classmate told me that I'm quote on quote so skinny. I of course smiled and said thank you. What I really thought was "thank you I worked hard for that." I couldn't help but smile. I love when people comment on my appearance because it means I am successful in a way. 

Realistically I know that I am thin, too thin? No, but thin nonetheless. There are moments where I look in the mirror and see myself for who I actually am for about a couple seconds. I like to think I know what I look like but I know very well that I'm not exactly sure. Realistically speaking. I don't see myself as fat. That may be shocking to some of you but I don't think I see visible fat on my body whether perceived or not. 

Are there parts of my body where I want to get rid of? Absolutely. I don't think necessarily consider it as fat if that even makes sense. I'm currently really hungry and it's a feeling that I can't even describe. It's almost like a comfort feeling. Being told that I'm thin or any variation of the word, totally makes my day because I've worked so hard to get to the number I'm at. 

I feel my stomach churning and gurgling and the satisfaction that I get from it, especially right now is like nothing else that even comes in close comparison to this one. I love my bones. I love getting to the point where I'm so hungry I can't stand. Why? To an extent I am numb from everything that comes to attack me physically and emotionally. I feel numb to the word when all of it seems to vast and scary. 

This is an eating disorder people. I'm crying while I'm writing this. I don't like all this. One moment it seems so appealing and in a short flash it's between putting a bite of food in my mouth or passing out on the cold hard floor. Nothing is enjoyable about this disease. You can totally tell how my ED spoke through my writing vs. the real me. 

I like when people recognize my hard work in making myself appear "perfect." It's also a really sad fucked up realization when you think to yourself "where I'm at is not good enough." I believe that's what others believe but I can't see it for the life of me. The scale still tells me I'm fat. 

No matter if I physically am thin, the scale still determines my fate. Whenever I step onto it's cold glass surface. 

I don't have control anymore.